1. I sing
I love singing and while I have no professional opinion,
I have heard from many sources, (both reliable and unreliable)
that I am actually good at it. I have my own opinions on this,
but good or not, singing is therapeutic, it's cathartic. I love it.
2. I am an actor.
I love the theater. I love film. I love the art that is acting.
I can't remember a time when this wasn't a part of my life.
This was a huge part of my life, something I loved doing.
It wasn't something I gave up lightly.
I only did this because I was in school.
I wanted to devote all of my time and energy to working towards my career.
Now that I've done that, I'm ready to get back on the horse, so to speak.
3. I am highly creative and artistic.
This one is probably not a revelation.
If you know me, this tidbit is probably quite obvious.
I am always creating, I see beauty everywhere.
To me there cannot be life without art, or creativity for that matter.
Okay, back to my soapbox for a ranty-ravy type of post. I hope you enjoyed your dessert.
Let me start by saying that I am a giver. This is my nature. If I have something you need, or can offer assistance to you in any way, I am so there. To me being able to offer support, or help gives me such a great feeling. I love sharing, or giving. Sometimes this is my downfall, a fatal flaw, but mostly this is a wonderful part of who I am. I have issues sometimes in saying no, I have issues in thinking about my own needs, this is simply because helping others makes me feel good about myself, helping others is in some little way, my way of giving back. Or something... Lately I'm feeling like a few certain people, (who, in the interest of preserving long-standing friendships, will remain nameless.) have been taking advantage of my kindness, and generosity and undervaluing my skill and abilities. I try not to take things personal. It never makes much sense to me to make something out of nothing. It never makes much sense to me to get angry over certain things. But lately, I feel like my generosity, my desire to help is being exploited.
Let me back up a little... I'm not really sure how to tell this story without being blatantly obvious about the characters and setting, but I'm willing to try. I'm going to write this for the sake of my own sanity and because I absolutely have to get this off of my chest, and well, in the spirit of blogging for catharsis. I have a friend. we've been friends for years, though not particularly close friends, but still it's been a long time. I value our friendship... Or at least, I used to value our friendship. Lately I'm feeling like the friendship is very one sided. I know things about this friend. I know who she is and how she acts. I know this, so why do I let her actions bother me? Why do I let myself get annoyed with how she treats her friendships? I know her. I shouldn't let these things get to me. But they do. They bother me. Mostly because I really feel like I am putting so much more into the relationship than she. I really feel undervalued, and under appreciated.
I do things because I enjoy them, and there are certain things that I have committed to, both now and in the past that I no longer enjoy. I can't stress how undervalued I am feeling in this undertaking. I can't stress how wronged I feel in this endeavor I have taken on, with this friend, and others. I don't feel like those involved appreciate what I do. I don't feel like those involved have a strong opinion of me and what I am capable of. That said, remember that dessert I fed you earlier, there was a reason for that. The reason was to show you that there is so much more to me than meets the eye. I am capable of, and worth so much more than people generally see of me. This is mostly due to the fact that I conceal my true self from those I don't trust. I conceal who I am from those I don't yet know. This is my own defense mechanism. I put it in place long ago. I don't really have a reason. I know that I fear rejection, I fear the unknown. But those are my issues. Those are things I've worked hard to defeat, feelings I've worked hard to suppress. The bottom line is that these are my insecurities. These are my issues and I've been working hard to overcome them. I am so much more than what I show outwardly. All you have to do is give me the opportunity to show you what I can do. All I need is for someone to believe in me and I can do wonderful things. I believe in myself. I do, but when the world doesn't believe in you, when those you interact with won't give you the chance to show that you can do more it doesn't help.
I am an insecure person. That is also my nature. I have a whole bundle of insecurities and issues that I have had to work on, and address. I don't often believe in my own skills. I am often too critical of myself, and I always doubt my abilities, but I do know that I can do so much more than many people know. I am hard on myself mostly because when I do something, I want it to be done right. I want everything I do to be the best it can be. I won't settle for good, or good enough. I know that I can always do better. I am an insecure person, but I have no doubt that those insecurities play a part in the treatment I receive from certain people. My insecurities are my own. They do not exist for friends to exploit. They do not exist for people to use them against me.
Vague enough for you yet? I promise. I'm almost done. Let's recap. I feel undervalued and underappreciated. I feel exploited. I have skills that people underestimate. I can do amazing things if you'll just give me the chance. Here's the point of this whole post... I have made a commitment, one I used to think was temporary. One I used to think was a stepping stone. But it has been a very long time and no changes have been made. Those in charge don't believe I am capable of anything more. Those in charge doubt my skill and abilities. Those in charge see me as nothing more than a book-keeper, if you will. Those in charge have continually underestimated me, they have continually left me feeling underused and under-appreciated. in the beginning I was content, because I just knew that over time thing would change. I could prove my usefulness, and they would offer me a more involved, more juicy role. This has not been the case and I have grown tired. I have grown more than annoyed. Here's my question: should I walk away, or should I stick it out for one more session? Should I tell those involved how I am feeling and risk losing these friendships? (If I'm feeling this way, is the friendship worth salvaging?) Should I explain how I feel undervalued and underused? Should I walk away and never look back? What's best? Thoughts?
