It's Been A Year, People!

It's almost been a whole year... And so much has changed... So much has happened that I hardly know where to begin. Instead of rehashing an entire year of love, loss, and laughter, I'll do a cliff notes version. Last November I met Joe. He's not the sort of guy I ever saw myself with, but what I'm learning is that in relationships 'type' doesn't really matter. saying someone isn't your type severely limits you. So I don't concern myself with type, but rather with the person he is. And he is a genuinely good person. He has flaws, we all do and he embraces my flaws (wait, I have flaws? Am I really going to admit that here?)

So ... A lot happened this year, and in retrospect, a lot of it wasn't blog worthy. But it's all a part of life and it's all lessons and it all is important. At the end of September, Joe and I moved in together. We have an apartment of our own, two dogs, and a PG&E bill. That sounds so adult to me. When did that happen? When did I become an adult?!? In August I celebrated my *gulp* 30th birthday. And contrary to my own belief there was no magic moment when I suddenly was grown up. I still don't feel 30. At best I feel like I should be in high school still, and that I'm masquerading as a functioning adult. I look at my beautiful nieces and nephew and see them in a hurry, already, to grow up. I want to convince them that they don't want to. But I remember that irresistible urge to adult, and I know they think it looks glamorous. Let me just say... It's not. Adulting is hard. But people expect me to be adult. I've turned a corner. And my nieces and nephew, who are 2 or under, need to slow down and enjoy childhood. Because I wish I had. (Of course I enjoyed it, but I couldn't wait to grow up.)

Don't get me wrong. I love having my own place. I love controlling what food I buy and what pictures I hang. I love making my own rules. But paying bills, working and the general responsibilities that come with adulting are stressful... I'm sure you can agree.

I am so beyond happy to be done with school. So beyond happy to have my own space and someone who has my back at all times. The support I get from Joe is what I was always missing. I don't mean financial support either, but rather the idea that he's there to help me, to hold me when I'm feeling low and down on myself. He's there to encourage, and love. And that friends is something I was missing.

We have a new dog. Daisy lives with us, Newton stayed with grandma, and we have a chihuahua (read Meet Toby and Goodbye Toby to see my thoughts on little dogs,) I have never been a small dog person. The bigger the better in my humble opinion. But Minnie is pretty cute, and kind of a sweetie. Though she chews stuff, steals stuff, is constantly eating the crotches out of my pants and underwear, and she poops in the closet. It's a love-hate relationship with Minnie right now. But she keeps Daisy company and Joe loves her. (My big tough Joe has an itty bitty chihuahua that he loves. Seems so out of character...)

That's all I can think of for now. Seems like a good summation of what's been up. Though there's been lots more, I'll save it for another post. Oh! Except
That my littlest sister, (you remember, lost lashes?) got married! She's a wife now. That was back in March. I knew there was lots that happened... I'll upload some pictures later. My phone is making it much more difficult than it needs to be. Okay. Seems like a pretty good brief recap of the last year. I know there's more, but that just gives me more to write about in the near future. Because hopefully I don't let another year pass without blogging. I do enjoy it.
Xoxo

On Learning and Love

Love can be tricky. If you've been there, you know. Sometimes you fight because you think that something should work, you fight because you think it's the right thing to do. You fight. You battle. You make a fool out of yourself even though you went into the whole thing with pure intentions and a loving heart. You act completely out of character, You make yourself into a lovestruck idiot because you just don't want to give up. But in the end, you lose. You lose because you just kept poking. You kept pressing the issue. You lose because it hadn't been worth the fight, but you didn't realize. You didn't see. You let yourself be blinded by a charming smile, a warm feeling. You let yourself feel the pain, but you ultimately made it worse because if you'd just walked away at the first sign, you wouldn't have ha to endure such pain.

But that's what happens sometimes. We become blinded by smiles and emotions. We imagine a future that doesn't exist. A future that was never meant to be. We make mistakes. We say hurtful things. We react poorly to the heartache. And when it's all said and done, and we finally realize the mistakes we've made, we've dug a tidy hole for ourselves. So we try to dig out. Sometimes this makes the hole deeper. Because at this point, it's time to stop trying and take a step back. It's time to stop trying. It's amazing, the level of understanding we can reach when we finally take that step back, distance ourselves, and look at the whole picture. It's messy when emotions get involved. It's messy when you try too hard. It shouldn't be so hard. If it's right. And that's the lesson. It's not always right. Sometimes  it's wrong. So very wrong, but wrong can feel right when feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, and passion are in play. These things can make wrong so right. That's the hardest part. Learning right from wrong. Finding the truth of the matter. Clarity really is amazing. Clarity brings us back from our breaking point and helps us transition from what we thought we wanted. Clarity brings us on the road to recovery, to what's real and what's right. Clarity brings us out of the drama. Out of the blind passion. The blind rage. The fighting. Clarity hands us new chances, new opportunities.

We can't possibly know what the future holds. It's not for us to know. Either because the future hasn't been written, or because it's fluid. It changes. It's not set in stone. We can't hold fast to thoughts of what could be. We can't hold on to the dreams, the hopes. It's not healthy to surrender to an idea, to a feeling and ignore the warning signs. It's not fair. To anyone. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to them. At some point, you have to recognize. At some point, I have to recognize. With recognition, with clarity, with change, you embrace the new. You let yourself find out about new ideas, new people. New feelings. You move on. You grow. You learn.

Life experiences are each lessons. Both lessons taught, and lessons learned. Lessons we struggle with. Lessons we accept. Lessons hat change us. We are forever learning. Forever teaching. Forever growing. Forever students in the classroom of life.

Are you listening?

Here we are again. A late night post. Sometimes when I find myself stuck and confused, this really is the best outlet. So hello again Blogger-Buddies. I have some more shit to toss your way. This is never easy for me. The end. How can it be? Is the end ever really easy? And though I should be sleeping, I can't. I can't sleep. For numerous reasons, but really only one of which keeps me coming back for more. Why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to keep feeling this pain? Why do I continue to enjoy the happiness when I know it's not real. It's not true. It's all something I've created. In my head. Again. Apparently that's something I do....

 I met someone. He's really great, we have so much in common. Including things I've never felt I could share with anyone, because they just wouldn't understand. Right off the bat, I felt a metaphysical, deeper connection. It was lovely. Very, very lovely. I thought he felt it too. I guess I've always been blind when it comes to matters of the heart. I project my own desires, my own feelings onto the other because it's easier that way. In retrospect, I made mistakes. I got too clingy, I got too honest. I made mistakes. We all do. I know that mistakes are a part of life. A way of teaching ourselves what to do and what not to do. I'll be the very first to admit that I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. I have flaws. I have insecurities, I have deep secrets that I keep hidden away because they can't be understood by anyone else. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to proceed. Because the idea of ending something before it has had a chance, terrifies me. But here we are. A crossroads. Decision time.

There is a part of me that wants to walk away. A part of me that knows that it's time to throw in the towel. There is a part of me that wants to say that I can't cry anymore. Part of me that wants to say that it's not fair for me to be the only one fighting. I know this is probably the logical side. This is the part of me that knows right from wrong. But this is the weaker part of me, apparently. Because I haven't been able to say these things. Lord knows I've tried. I've typed long messages along these lines in text and Facebook messages. Because walking away is the easy thing to do. It's the easy way out. It means no more fighting for what I believe in. It means no more fighting for what could be. It means no more fighting for what I want.

The other part of me, the romantic, wants to fight. This part wants to prove that this thing, whatever it is can work, and that throwing in the towel is not an option. At least not yet. This part of me wants to find out what this thing really means, and what could happen. This part of me wants to fling myself whole-heartedly, head first into whatever this thing could be and find out if love really exists, because at this point, I'm not so sure that it does. This part of me reads poetry and watches movies. This part of me craves the romance, the emotional connection. This part of me is illogical and frankly, insane. It doesn't make any sense, but for the unrelenting romantic in me, it doesn't matter. Time will make sense of it if we give it a chance. This part of me is stubborn, and sure of what she wants and is willing to fight for it.

These two sides are at war. They are battling deep within for supremacy. They both want to be the victor, though I think the romantic is fighting harder. And then there's a third side. This side is the self-love side. She's at battle at well. Because through this whole thing, I've realized one thing, and I can thank my new friend for that. I've realized that I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I've realized that I've been pretending I was happy. I've stuck with the status quo, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I've been self-sacrificing and self-depricatting and seriously unhappy with my life for a long time. A. LONG. TIME. If anything, this period of uncertainty has taught me that I need to work on me. And in all of the warring, all of the battle, I know this is the most important lesson. I know that this is the part that deserves the most attention. I need to work on me before I can expect to be happy in any other situation. And even though I hate the idea of more alone time, maybe I need to channel that alone time to another pursuit. I need to re-introduce myself to the world. I need to stop hiding and find out who the real me is. I'm a fighter. I won't give up without a fight, and I know that I can make positive changes. I guess I realize that in order to truly love, I have to love me. I think I've forgotten how to love me.

So here I am at a precipice. It's scary as hell, because I don't know where to go. I spend too much time concerned about what everyone else thinks and not enough time on what I think. What I want. This is something I'm working on. Learning what I want. I'm also terrified, because the amount of change I see in the near future is daunting. Really. But I know it's time. It's an over-due revolution of self. A complete overhaul. And even though I know this is a great thing, and I'm so excited for the future, I am terrified also, because I will be doing it alone. There is no one who will stand by me in the way that I so desperately desire. There is no one who will undergo these changes with me. And I think that even though I know I have to make the changes, even though I know I have to work one me, doing it alone, without the support that I want is the hardest part.

This is where I should say that I'm not that girl. I never have been. I've never felt such strong need for coupling in my life. I was always the girl who was super comfortable in her solitude. I was always the strong girl who didn't need validation, or togetherness. If I've learned anything, it's that I crave that relationship more than anything. All of a sudden I want nothing more than to be together. I think this is what confuses me the most. For the first time in my life, I'm not content with being alone and it's made me question every fiber of my being. Because I always thought I was happy. Always thought I was okay. Always thought I was strong and secure in my self. But what I've realized is, I'm not. I crave that unconditional love. That feeling of butterflies. I crave that togetherness, I crave the support that having the other provides. I want someone who will kiss me when I'm sad and take away my pain when I need him to. Someone who can just tell I'm having a rough day and offers nothing more than an embrace and support. Someone who can understand me and provide me with that feeling that I'm not alone in the world. Someone who will be there for me when I need them. Listen without judgement and offer advice when I need it, wether I take it or not. Just the offering is enough. I don't need the world on a silver platter. I don't need fancy. I just want love. And even though It's early, and I don't really know what could have happened, I felt like maybe I had found the beginning stages of that. Maybe I got too comfortable too quickly. Maybe I got too emotional, maybe I got too possessive, maybe I even projected what I wanted without thinking, but I thought I felt something. I hate to think that my feelings are so jumbled as to not even be real. Because it sure felt real. It sure felt right.

So here I am. I have no resolution. I have no conclusion. I'm still stuck in the middle of all of these tough choices, still stuck in the middle of all of these tough paradigm shifts. I'm in the middle of an all out war with myself and with the other and I don't know the victor. If there can even be a victor. Does one win in a situation like this? Here are the facts. Sometimes putting it all out there is cathartic. Sometime putting the situation into black and white helps you understand it better yourself. And moreover, having gotten this out there, I'm hopeful that I will be able to find sleep. My world is in utter chaos all around me. I've made some new discoveries and I will fight to discover the outcome. Whatever happens, I know that in the end I will be stronger and wiser and eventually I will make peace with the whole situation. In the end I will discover the meaning of this change. In the end, it will all make sense. Right now, it makes very little sense and is contentious and painful, but I look forward to finding out the outcome of all of this personal turmoil.

I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Thank you friends. For listening. For reading. For commenting. For picking up the pieces and providing bandaids to stick them back together... Until they heal permanently.

A Soapbox For One.

I'm going to jump onto my soapbox for a moment, because I have some things that have absolutely been wearing on me as of late, and this might just be the therapeutic platform I need. However, in the interest of well-mannered frivolity, I wanted to give you three little known facts about me. You know, dessert first...

1. I sing 

I love singing and while I have no professional opinion, 

I have heard from many sources, (both reliable and unreliable)

 that I am actually good at it. I have my own opinions on this, 

but good or not, singing is therapeutic, it's cathartic. I love it.

2. I am an actor.

 I love the theater. I love film. I love the art that is acting. 

I can't remember a time when this wasn't a part of my life. 

This was a huge part of my life, something I loved doing.

It wasn't something I gave up lightly. 

I only did this because I was in school. 

I wanted to devote all of my time and energy to working towards my career.

Now that I've done that, I'm ready to get back on the horse, so to speak.

3. I am highly creative and artistic.

This one is probably not a revelation. 

If you know me, this tidbit is probably quite obvious.

I am always creating, I see beauty everywhere. 

To me there cannot be life without art, or creativity for that matter.

Okay, back to my soapbox for a ranty-ravy type of post. I hope you enjoyed your dessert.

Let me start by saying that I am a giver. This is my nature. If I have something you need, or can offer assistance to you in any way, I am so there. To me being able to offer support, or help gives me such a great feeling. I love sharing, or giving. Sometimes this is my downfall, a fatal flaw, but mostly this is a wonderful part of who I am. I have issues sometimes in saying no, I have issues in thinking about my own needs, this is simply because helping others makes me feel good about myself, helping others is in some little way, my way of giving back. Or something... Lately I'm feeling like a few certain people, (who, in the interest of preserving long-standing friendships, will remain nameless.) have been taking advantage of my kindness, and generosity and undervaluing my skill and abilities. I try not to take things personal. It never makes much sense to me to make something out of nothing. It never makes much sense to me to get angry over certain things. But lately, I feel like my generosity, my desire to help is being exploited. 

Let me back up a little... I'm not really sure how to tell this story without being blatantly obvious about the characters and setting, but I'm willing to try. I'm going to write this for the sake of my own sanity and because I absolutely have to get this off of my chest, and well, in the spirit of blogging for catharsis. I have a friend. we've been friends for years, though not particularly close friends, but still it's been a long time. I value our friendship... Or at least, I used to value our friendship. Lately I'm feeling like the friendship is very one sided. I know things about this friend. I know who she is and how she acts. I know this, so why do I let  her actions bother me? Why do I let myself get annoyed with how she treats her friendships? I know her. I shouldn't let these things get to me. But they do. They bother me. Mostly because I really feel like I am putting so much more into the relationship than she. I really feel undervalued, and under appreciated. 

I do things because I enjoy them, and there are certain things that I have committed to, both now and in the past that I no longer enjoy. I can't stress how undervalued I am feeling in this undertaking. I can't stress how wronged I feel in this endeavor I have taken on, with this friend, and others. I don't feel like those involved appreciate what I do. I don't feel like those involved have a strong opinion of me and what I am capable of. That said, remember that dessert I fed you earlier, there was a reason for that. The reason was to show you that there is so much more to me than meets the eye. I am capable of, and worth so much more than people generally see of me. This is mostly due to the fact that I conceal my true self from those I don't trust. I conceal who I am from those I don't yet know. This is my own defense mechanism. I put it in place long ago. I don't really have a reason. I know that I fear rejection, I fear the unknown. But those are my issues. Those are things I've worked hard to defeat, feelings I've worked hard to suppress. The bottom line is that these are my insecurities. These are my issues and I've been working hard to overcome them. I am so much more than what I show outwardly. All you have to do is give me the opportunity to show you what I can do. All I need is for someone to believe in me and I can do wonderful things. I believe in myself. I do, but when the world doesn't believe in you, when those you interact with won't give you the chance to show that you can do more it doesn't help. 

I am an insecure person. That is also my nature. I have a whole bundle of insecurities and issues that I have had to work on, and address. I don't often believe in my own skills. I am often too critical of myself, and I always doubt my abilities, but I do know that I can do so much more than many people know. I am hard on myself mostly because when I do something, I want it to be done right. I want everything I do to be the best it can be. I won't settle for good, or good enough. I know that I can always do better. I am an insecure person, but I have no doubt that those insecurities play a part in the treatment I receive from certain people. My insecurities are my own. They do not exist for friends to exploit. They do not exist for people to use them against me.

Vague enough for you yet? I promise. I'm almost done. Let's recap. I feel undervalued and underappreciated. I feel exploited. I have skills that people underestimate. I can do amazing things if you'll just give me the chance. Here's the point of this whole post... I have made a commitment, one I used to think was temporary. One I used to think was a stepping stone. But it has been a very long time and no changes have been made. Those in charge don't believe I am capable of anything more. Those in charge doubt my skill and abilities. Those in charge see me as nothing more than a book-keeper, if you will. Those in charge have continually underestimated me, they have continually left me feeling underused and under-appreciated. in the beginning I was content, because I just knew that over time thing would change. I could prove my usefulness, and they would offer me a more involved, more juicy role. This has not been the case and I have grown tired. I have grown more than annoyed. Here's my question: should I walk away, or should I stick it out for one more session? Should I tell those involved how I am feeling and risk losing these friendships? (If I'm feeling this way, is the friendship worth salvaging?) Should I explain how I feel undervalued and underused? Should I walk away and never look back? What's best? Thoughts?

On being a teacher...

Many of you already know that I've been working on being a teacher. This has been a long journey and I am pleased to say that I am very near having a California Teaching Credential. There have been a few hiccups on the way to my credential, but it's almost my turn.

Let me just say. The credential program was hard. Really, really hard. For the first semester, I taught fourth grade Monday through Wednesday, and took graduate courses on Thursday and Friday. Busy, busy, busy. For the second semester, I taught Kindergarten Monday through Friday, and took graduate courses at night. I'll admist. First semester was a breeze. Second semester nearly killed me. Don't get me wrong. I loved teaching kindergarten, but when you combine a full teaching schedule with night classes... I was not a happy camper. But while I know that it was totally worth it, there were moments where I honestly didn't think I'd make it through.

Second semester was hard, PACT was hard, and RICA was hard, but in the end, it all pulled me towards my goal of finally having my own classroom. I want my own classroom so badly. I didn't realize this until recently. There was a time when I thought about changing my goals. There was a time when I was discouraged and just wanted to take the easy road. I know that's a very bad habit, but I was tired, I was discouraged, I was defeated. However, I have a handful of mottos that I live by...

Personal Motto #1: Fake it until you make it. I am by no means perfect. I know what I am capable of  and have had to fake my abilities in order to be given a chance to prove that I can do it. Sometimes in life, you might have to fake it until you prove to others that you can do it.  Personal Motto #2: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This is oh so true. If things are easy, they are not worth doing for a long period of time. Doing those hard, difficult challenging things push you to be a better person, push you to be a hard worker and instill many admirable qualities.  Personal Motto #3: One Foot Other Foot. My grandpa used to say this all the time. It's just a reminder to take things one step at a time. slowly but surely. One foot other foot gets the job done. It's a great thing to remember when the road seems long and harsh. Just take it one step at a time. Personal Motto #4: If it doesn't scare you, It's probably too easy. Okay. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes easy is not a bad thing. But if you are always taking the easy road, you are not challenging yourself. You are not stretching and growing, you are not evolving. It's important to provide challenge and change in your life, or it just gets boring. You become complacent.

I sat down and thought about the path I was on, and I knew that I had made good choices. I was constantly being challenged and for a moment, that terrified me. Constant challenge is hard. It's hard work, but in the end it is so very worth it....

I find myself excited for the future. I still don't know what's in store, but I know that I am ready for the challenges that life will throw at me. Hopefully a classroom, but at this point, I'm ready to accept whatever is tossed my way.

Halloween Costume Inspiration: Glam Witch

Halloween Costume Inspiration: Glam Witch by kkaksonen001 featuring mesh tops

Wallis mesh top
wallisfashion.com

See by Chloé long sheer skirt
$540 - farfetch.com

Glitter platform pumps
dsw.com

Irene Neuwirth rose earrings
barneys.com

Mimco oversized ring
$61 - mimco.com.au

FAUXTALE DEER AND FEATHER HEADPIECE
$3,390 - farfetch.com

Butter London nail lacquer
$27 - nelly.com

Beauty product
etsy.com

Custom Personalized Silhouette Cat - 12 x 16 Black Framed Art with...
etsy.com

Polyvore, Pinterest and Procrastination

This edition is all about my three favorite P's. 

Polyvore, Pinterest and  Procrastination.

(the first two are excellent ways to accomplish the third.)

If you haven't heard, there is a wonderful new way to waste your time and make collections of stuff you love. It is called Pinterest. The best new little time-waster on the internet. Polyvore, like Pinterest is an excellent time waster, only on Polyvore, you make collections of clothes, housewares, architecture and such and can then post them to Pinterest.

I am a self professed Pinterest addict! I can't get enough of pinning fabulous things, ideas and recipes to my many pinboards. Pinterest is not only a fabulous place to create fabulous collections, but it is a fabulous waste of time. While on pinterest I can collect hoards and hoards of wonderful things to create while also collecting wonderful recipes I would love to create, but without ever creating anything, or making progress on any projects. If my closet, or my craft room were anything like they are on pinterest I would be a very happy girl.

That brings me to the next P. Polyvore.  I stumbled upon Polyvore while pinning on Pinterest. (See, my three favorite P's are all connected in a gigantic web of fabulously wasted time.) Polyvore is magnificent. I can create outfits, and collections of outfits, or things I would want to wear and pretend that my closet is vast and expansive when in reality it is not. I love Polyvore.

Finally Procrastination. This has always been a favored pastime. I have spent many hours in the pursuit of procrastination perfection, and I will admit that I am an expert in the subtle art that is procrastination. It takes time to master the craft of procrastination. It also takes time to master the craft of catching up and accomplishing the task you were using procrastination to avoid. I have never let a task fail because of my procrastination, but instead I get the task done, while also finding wonderful new ways of wasting time.

As we speak I am procrastinating. I'll bet you thought I actually sat down to write this post. That my friends, would be wrong. I sat down because I have homework to write, things to read, and online classes to pay attention to, but after having spent a few hours already today on both Pinterest and Polyvore, and now writing not one, but TWO blog entries, I have successfully wasted much of this wonderful wednesday on procrastination.

Are you listening?

IS anybody out there listening?

I often sit down to write a blog and begin rambling about one more unimportant thing that is happening in my life. One more inconsequential occurrence. And while I write, I often wonder if there is anyone out there listening. Is anyone listening to what I have to say? Does anyone read this? Do my words make sense, or matter in the scheme of things? The truth is that it doesn't really matter if my words matter. This blog began as a therapeutic outlet for my feelings. Thoughts and feelings I keep to myself and don't usually allow people to read. I know that sometimes this blog is rant-y and rave-y and pages and pages of complaints, but I have no one else to complain to. No one else who takes my complaints as more than just blowing steam.

Recently my only reader left the blog world because she felt it was the best thing to do for her career. At least, I assume she was my only reader. She was the only one who ever left me any feedback. The only one who ever read these things.

This might sound silly. If I write this blog as a release outlet, then why would I care is anyone read it. It's simple, I care because whats the point of a blog if I don't have readers. I write because it is therapeutic, but I also write because I want to interest people, I want to be the writer people want to hear from, to be the writer people come to for entertainment, the writer people care to hear from. I fear that the path I have chosen for writing is not any of those things, but instead puts people off because of the whiney nature of the posts I have created. If anyone is reading this, please don't hesitate to let me know. As it is, a journal would serve the same purpose. A journal would be more personal, but I have been thinking it might be a possible solution

Thoughts?

Teacher Inspiration

Teacher Inspiration by kkaksonen001 featuring tahitian pearl earrings

Antonio Marras short cocktail dress
$1,225 - thecorner.com

Milly floral summer dress
$529 - my-wardrobe.com

Cropped cardigan
$40 - witchery.com.au

Plus size cardigan
simplybe.com

Charlotte Russe glitter ballet flat
$25 - charlotterusse.com

H M ballerina flat
£7.99 - hm.com

Carolee tahitian pearl earrings
$28 - endless.com

BCBG Max Azria vintage jewelry
$18 - bcbg.com

H M lip gloss
£1.99 - hm.com

Chanel nail polish
$26 - bergdorfgoodman.com

Nail polish
$6 - jacob.ca

Ummm... When did it become so expensive?

I have recently come to a realization: Growing up is EXPENSIVE.

And as my bank account total dwindles and grows rapidly closer to the ZERO balance that I have become accustomed to seeing, I continue to freak out a little bit each time. 

Lets start with the good news: I'm graduating in May! wow, May!! that is so soon. (brief moment of silence, and realization.)

This has been a long road. I didn't know how I would fell when I got so close, and honestly I didn't ever really think about it, because Graduation was so far in the future. Always. But here it is. Only months away and I can feel it. I'm excited?!?! It's freaking me out. Not to mention Bankrupting me. Graduating is super expensive. I can't wait for the moment when I am able to look back and say, yep! that was all worth it, cause right now it feels like they are just taking my money without any regard for what I would rather do with that cash.

Did you know that in order to be a teacher in California, you first must spend a TON of money on testing and application fees and fingerprinting, and other things to prepare yourself to apply to the credential program? No? yeah, I didn't really know that either. I mean I guess I kind of knew it, but wow. It's costing me so much darn money.

Let's start with tuition. The cost of which for my college career is somewhere upwards of $25,000 (and yeah. I will owe some of that back in the form of students loans. Soon.) 

Next is the cost of Grad School. I think that is around $10,000. (did you just see how my total just caught up to the mortgage value of a house?!?!? Seriously. I could be a home owner for the cost of my education so far.)

I have had to pay for some tests that are required to teach in California, that's $96 X 4 =$384 (for tests?!?!?)

If we add all of this together, we get a staggering amount of money that could buy me a cool new car. or at least a happy chunk of a mortgage on a new house...

Tuition(for undergrad and grad school) $35,000.00

CBEST AND CSETS (@$96 each) $384.00

Grad School Application Fee $55.00

Credential Program Application Fee $50.00

LIVE SCAN(Fingerprinting) $71.00

Live Scan Processing Fee $28.50

So let's see what we're up to... $35, 588.50

I think I just died a little bit. 

Channeling My Inner Thug!

Okay kiddies, I am about to blow your minds. If you weren't already sitting down, I suggest you find a seat quickly and prepare yourselves... It's going to be LEGEND... wait for it... DARY. (lol)

Sometimes I go a little crazy and channel my inner thug. I become a gangsta with street cred. It's a problem I've dealt with for ages. I blame it on growing up in the bay area. I blame it on an interracial elementary school (none of this is a bad thing, but just a little out of character for me.)

Seriously, I have issues with the thug in me. She just doesn't like taking a back seat sometimes. She likes Tupac (I mean, come on, WHO DOESN'T?) and Eminem and randomly bursts out singing bars of California Love.

Anyway, I am taking a painting class this semester (I want to be awesome at painting but so far, I'm just not. It's not easy for me to accept mediocrity so until I am awesome at painting, you'll just have to know that I am taking the class and be content with no more information.) Anyway, I am taking a painting class and there is this guy who sits at the end of my table. He is one of those annoying kids you just want to throw things at. The kids who's face you'd like to color on with indelible ink... You know the kind. He says things like "FO SHO" (it's ridiculous how often he says fo sho, I heard him say it three times in a row once. Is that even legal?) He says "It's Whatever" (like we needed his permission?) I keep waiting for him to bust out an "Oh Snap!" (I think I might leap across the table tiger style and scratch his eyes out if he did...) Anyway, He is currently in the process of starting a clothing company and every other sentence is plugging his t-shirt line. Seriously. Just when I thought he couldn't get anymore annoying. Okay so we had class on thursday, and he was in full swing inviting girls to his "rave" and being all "Fo Sho" and "whatever" and he started talking about how he was the OG. (one of the girls at the table asked what that meant. I nearly died. and his explanation of original gangsta was even more awful than her not knowing what it meant, but I digress) I should mention here that sometimes I am so much cooler in my head than I probably actually ever am. So while mister cool was explaining original gangsta, and being all cool, I was imaging my inner thug. Cause everyone knows that I am so much more thug than he is.

I wanted to get up and walk coolly over to his end of the table. Rap a couple of bars of some classic Tupac songs, and end by throwing my arms at him and saying loudly "UH! You've been schooled, Son!"

Not only would this appease the inner thug, but it totally goes along with my future profession of teacher, right!?! So in lieu of flinging paint in his direction, and in lieu of drawing phallic images on his face in indelible ink, i just imagine my inner thug challenging his right to be the ORIGINAL GANGSTA. And for a moment, I am at peace. Until he opens his mouth again.

Well Hello again!

Okay, Okay, Okay, I know it's been awhile. I can't believe I let so much time pass between entries. like seriously it's been like SIX MONTHS. But on the same note those few months handed me so much to deal with that sitting down at the computer was a challenge, unless I was writing a paper on the theory of Beethoven and Stravinsky for the music class from hell, or about Wuthering Heights or the portrayal of poverty and the poor in A Christmas Carol for Victorian Lit (honestly, my least favorite english class ever! I could complain, but I probably should have done so while it was happening. oh well.)

I am currently on break from school (hallelujah!) and trying to get my house and my life back in order. With christmas came decorations, and I don't know if you know, but I tend to go over board on my decorating for Christmas. My little house could pass as Santa's home in the north pole, (If I had more snow outside) as a result, I am currently undoing all the Christmas and transitioning into Valentines Day. I love christmas. I am crazy about decorating, baking and giving. I love everything about christmas, but I also love Valentines day. Not because I like the commercial nature of the holiday, or the fact that it stands as a reason to spend money on things we don't need for our loved ones, but because Valentines day incorporates 3 (or 4) of my very favorite things ever, pink and red things, hearts, and roses. My house is currently being taken over by all things pink and girly. (photo diary to follow)

Also, I have been crafting. Because I didn't have many decorations for valentines day, I got out my scissors and paper and made some. (photo diary to follow) I have been cutting and glittering and trying my hand at some wonderful things I found on Pinterest (my favorite new place to kill some time) This includes baked marbles, heart garlands, wall art and some other fantastically wonderful crafty endeavors. I will go take pictures and show you all of my wonderful things soon. I promise.

Finally, with the new year comes my attempt at a new me. It is a cycle I always fall into, this time though I have more motivation (My friend is getting married and asked me to be in the wedding!), and hopefully more staying power. I am trying a new healthy eating plan which includes more fruits and veggies, more whole grain and lean meats, and less sugar, less soda, less fat. I have also made a pact with myself, No more mindless munching, or eating when I'm not hungry. This is a serious issue, sometimes when I would get bored, or whatever, I would head for the kitchen. My new idea is to head for my craft room, or for some part of my house I have been neglecting instead of to the kitchen. I cleaned out my cabinets, organized my craft boxes and made some wonderful little trinkets. It is a much healthier way to spend the day, and my cabinets and hips will thank me.

I look forward to the rest of the new year. To whatever 2012 has to offer. I look forward to graduation (YAY!), and to a healthier me. And, you my darlings can look forward to more blog entries, to some bitching and whining and some triumphs, and in the very near future, to a photo diary of how I have kept busy! Here's to a wonderful new year! Cheers!

Photo Diary #1, Daisy, Lilies and other stories.

Hello there. I thought I would post (thanks to a suggestion from Patty) a diary of photos to illustrate my last entry and to just add that little extra touch this blog desires.

Okay everyone, meet Daisy. 

She is finally feeling comfortable in her new home, and sat for a photo shoot recently. lol

This is Daisy
(note the flower (daisy) stickers on her name tag?)

She smiles. Just like my Buck did.

Pretty Girl.

And then I said,
"What are you doing, Daisy?"
I think the look says it all
"Nothin',"
I should have asked what she was up to.

Sometimes she is bashful

and sometimes she is shy.

I went shopping at Ikea recently and of course shopping means photo op. Here are some awesome finds which had I not purposely left my credit card at home would have made their way into my home.

I love this shade of purple, it would look fantastic with my pink duvet.

I saw something similar at anthropologie here and here
together these three would make the lamps in my living room similar enough to be coordinated, but still not matchy-matchy and fabulously vintage and chic. I am dying to buy these.

This lamp looks kind of pink, but was really a pretty
plumy-purple when it wasn't on.
It would go perfectly bedside with those awesome plum sheets.

I LOVE LAMPS!
I was so excited by the selection of lampshades at completely
affordable prices.

uses for twinkle lights?

this is a very pretty graphic painting. I don't think the red
 would match my living room though.

Mother and child.
Such a precious painting.

And I love this.
I would put it over my sofa if there weren't a window there.

CUTE!

I love these candle holders.
(I love all candles and candle holders from Ikea.)

I love these lanterns.
I had never seen them in pink at Ikea before.
(and who doesn't love that price?)

So pretty for my coffee table.

I love this vase.

Finally, here are some pictures of my more successful gardening endeavors. I have been loving these lilies every year for three years now, and am always surprised when they come back. (I've never been good at maintaining plant life, and also they usually get too cold in the winter and die off.)

In the planter, there are yellow lilies and red lilies, I am dying to add some pink lilies.
These were gifts and I am pleased to report that I have managed (somehow)
to keep them alive and happy.

There are currently 7 open yellow lilies, and three about to open.

Only one red lily has opened so far, but there are two
behind this one which are nearly ready to open

I don't recall the name of these, I planted them last year
and they too came back. I don't know if I can say it is my
fantastic gardening skills or chance. I tend towards the latter.

I have tried many times to grow hydrangea.
This time, I put them in planters and they seem to be happy.
Hopefully they are successful this time.
Crossing my fingers that the third time is the charm.

Such pretty pink blooms
this is a wonderful shade of pink.

My driveway.
There are still some weeds that need to be taken care of.
That black walnut tree is so pretty when it is all green.

PINK!!!

The veggies I am putting in my garden.
This year I am growing Corn, Zucchini, Watermelon,
Red and Orange bell peppers, tomatoes, potatoes and onion.

That red one is about to open.
Lilies are one of my favorite flowers.

These are near the orange flowers I planted last year,
I also planted these last year, and they have happily
come back.