Photo Diary #1, Daisy, Lilies and other stories.

Hello there. I thought I would post (thanks to a suggestion from Patty) a diary of photos to illustrate my last entry and to just add that little extra touch this blog desires.

Okay everyone, meet Daisy. 

She is finally feeling comfortable in her new home, and sat for a photo shoot recently. lol

This is Daisy
(note the flower (daisy) stickers on her name tag?)

She smiles. Just like my Buck did.

Pretty Girl.

And then I said,
"What are you doing, Daisy?"
I think the look says it all
"Nothin',"
I should have asked what she was up to.

Sometimes she is bashful

and sometimes she is shy.

I went shopping at Ikea recently and of course shopping means photo op. Here are some awesome finds which had I not purposely left my credit card at home would have made their way into my home.

I love this shade of purple, it would look fantastic with my pink duvet.

I saw something similar at anthropologie here and here
together these three would make the lamps in my living room similar enough to be coordinated, but still not matchy-matchy and fabulously vintage and chic. I am dying to buy these.

This lamp looks kind of pink, but was really a pretty
plumy-purple when it wasn't on.
It would go perfectly bedside with those awesome plum sheets.

I LOVE LAMPS!
I was so excited by the selection of lampshades at completely
affordable prices.

uses for twinkle lights?

this is a very pretty graphic painting. I don't think the red
 would match my living room though.

Mother and child.
Such a precious painting.

And I love this.
I would put it over my sofa if there weren't a window there.

CUTE!

I love these candle holders.
(I love all candles and candle holders from Ikea.)

I love these lanterns.
I had never seen them in pink at Ikea before.
(and who doesn't love that price?)

So pretty for my coffee table.

I love this vase.

Finally, here are some pictures of my more successful gardening endeavors. I have been loving these lilies every year for three years now, and am always surprised when they come back. (I've never been good at maintaining plant life, and also they usually get too cold in the winter and die off.)

In the planter, there are yellow lilies and red lilies, I am dying to add some pink lilies.
These were gifts and I am pleased to report that I have managed (somehow)
to keep them alive and happy.

There are currently 7 open yellow lilies, and three about to open.

Only one red lily has opened so far, but there are two
behind this one which are nearly ready to open

I don't recall the name of these, I planted them last year
and they too came back. I don't know if I can say it is my
fantastic gardening skills or chance. I tend towards the latter.

I have tried many times to grow hydrangea.
This time, I put them in planters and they seem to be happy.
Hopefully they are successful this time.
Crossing my fingers that the third time is the charm.

Such pretty pink blooms
this is a wonderful shade of pink.

My driveway.
There are still some weeds that need to be taken care of.
That black walnut tree is so pretty when it is all green.

PINK!!!

The veggies I am putting in my garden.
This year I am growing Corn, Zucchini, Watermelon,
Red and Orange bell peppers, tomatoes, potatoes and onion.

That red one is about to open.
Lilies are one of my favorite flowers.

These are near the orange flowers I planted last year,
I also planted these last year, and they have happily
come back.

Hello Again... A few updates.

Well hello there. It's been awhile. The semester ended, which as always is a huge relief which offers me the chance to take a nice big deep breath. I am always in need of a break after the semester ends, but I am finally past the time when I am too tired and, frankly, lazy to do much. My house was in serious need of some TLC. My yard was in serious need of TLC (Seriously, there were weeds out there like shoulder height.) and My dog and my own well being were also in need of some TLC.

First off, I should mention that Daisy has finally become comfortable in her new home and no longer goes outside on a 25' lead. She and I have gotten into a routine and have become pretty close, although I could live without the scratching. :| Also, she loves when I do yard work because she doesn't really like to be outside on her own.

My yard is finally getting the attention it deserves and I have some veggies growing. Hopefully I will soon have some veggies to eat. My lilies finally opened, (this is one of the first weeks it hasn't been rainy and cold, and they are a little bit late, but they are opening and add a lovely splash of color.)

I have also gotten my house straightened, though not as well as I would like to have done and will continue to work on that. Housework has lost so much of the enjoyment it once had. I just don't want to do it anymore. Patty and I have been going to the gym EVERY morning and working on making ourselves look and feel better, and I must admit this was much needed, and while there are some mornings when I really don't want to get out of bed and get my butt to the gym, I am overall enjoying not only actually going, but having a companion who keeps me going, as well as the knowledge that someday all of this will pay off and I will be a much happier me. (I try to be happy with what I've got but being healthy will be a better situation all around.)

So here's a run down of my summer.
1. Gym every weekday morning with Patty, and sometimes Emily.
2. Planning a sweet sixteen.
3. Yard Clean-up.
4. House Clean-up.
5. Learn to use\ make Fondant.
6. Sew. (finish fishing vest.)

I think I will start a new blog on creating an awesome sweet sixteen, because I have so many ideas and so much to do and only less than a month to accomplish this. I know this will be perfect and beautiful and I just know I will have enough fodder for an interesting blog.

This is HAAARD.

I don't know if I told you, I have taken on a paid project in which I am constructing, from scratch, a brand new fishing vest in place of an old beloved fishing vest which is worn, tattered and in an unceremonious state of disrepair. I am doing this for a family friend, and did I mention that I am getting paid? The plan was to copy the original vest and make a new one just like it. Can I just say, Fishing vests are HARD.

I created the pattern and cut out the pieces months ago, I should know better than to postpone projects like this it always proves more difficult to figure out what you did or were thinking when you come back to a project. Yesterday I began sewing the pockets together. This thing has pockets in pockets, on pockets, zipper pockets, velcro pockets (IT HAS A LOT OF POCKETS) its as if the fishing industry thinks pockets may some day go out of style and so they must fill each fishing vest with as many pockets as possible. Yesterday I constructed what I thought was 6 pockets, but actually turned out to be only one pocket, with six different pocket openings. I call this Pocket A. (Each of my finished pockets have a letter label so I can remember where to put them.) Pocket A consisted of Pocket A1, A2, A3, A4 and two zipper pockets A5 and A6. I made labels all the way to Pocket L, so I foresee a future where I will be construction pockets like a mad woman. I will be the pocket queen when I am done with this. Seriously, you need pockets, just ask.

And the entire time I was constructing these pockets, My sewing machine was on the fritz. the inconsistency of the tension was driving me crazy... or, making me tense, if you will. (lol) But I think I have finally figured out the trick to my sewing machine. You just have to threaten it, call it bad names. For instance, it was making continuous birds nests with the bobbin thread and I had adjusted the tension, so instead I told it rather rudely that if it did not quit that and cooperate with me, I would throw it out the window. It began to work just fine. Later, when the tension went wonky again, I started cursing at it to the point where you'd think the mafia, or Tupac had moved into my kitchen, and it fixed itself again. So  the trick to my machine, threats and curse words.

At least I know where I'll be for the foreseeable future, stuck in the kitchen threatening my sewing machine and creating an endless amount of pockets. Oh and I thought I should mention, in the spirit of sewing, I have found the best tool ever. It is a little metal thing that makes bias tape. It is an amazing invention and I don't know why I never found one sooner. Every one who sews needs one of these babies. They come in different sizes and make life so much easier.

The Daisy Chronicle...

I had a dream last night about Daisy.

For those of you who don't already know, Daisy is a dog I recently adopted (from a family I found on craigslist) who ran away 3 and a half hours after I brought her home. Daisy was gorgeous, She was a Great Pyrenees German Shepard mix, and she looked so much like my Buck, that I knew she and I were meant to be. Unfortunately, she had other plans.

She actually BENT my gate trying to get out. If I think I had a problem getting people to close the gate before, now I don't know if it actually can close.  It's been about three weeks (maybe more) and I have not heard anything about her. Let me start by telling you a little bit about what I did when she ran away:
First of all, it was about 9:30 at night, and I spent the next 3-4 hours out in the dark looking for her. A few times I almost caught her, but she would dart by when she would hear the smallest of noises. I searched everywhere near my house I could physically get with a flash light and my sisters and Grandma searched everywhere else. So you can imagine 4 women out with flashlights, all calling "Daisy, Daisy". We must have looked like fools. It was nearly one-o'clock when I got back to the house and gave up the search for the night.

The next morning however, I sat on the sofa with the phone in one hand, a pencil in the other and the phonebook draped over my lap. I called EVERY SINGLE vet in town. You wouldn't know from the size of town, but there are vets all over the place. I called 15. Then I called the Animal shelter, The police and placed an add in the paper. Then my sister and I went out and placed flyers all around. In offices, on trees on posts. If there is a single person in Paradise who didn't know my dog was missing, They soon would. Then Jessie, my fifteen year-old-sister sent a text message to EVERY contact in her cell phone (she knows a lot of people, I was surprised by how many.) and made a Facebook event. This we sent to every friend in our Facebook friends. Both my sisters and I invited friends to help us find Daisy. And still, we have not heard a single peep about her.

Last week I had a dream that people kept bringing me dogs, but none of them even closely resembled Daisy, some had spots, some were small, some were large, there were black dogs, yellow dogs, brown dogs. No daisy. Last night, I dreamt that Daisy came home, and was very excited to be back, but slowly as the day (the day in the context of the dream) progressed, she slowly morphed into another dog, and then another dog and by the end of the day she was a completely different dog than what she had been.

I think I have made peace with the idea that Daisy isn't coming back. I think that my dreams pointed to this fact, but I also think that since it has been three weeks, and there hasn't even been a whisper about her, that it's not plausible anymore.

I hope that wherever she is, she is happy. I like to imagine that she is with all lost things, that she has found that place where socks go when they disappear from the dryer, that place where lost keys go when you search, and search but can't for the life of you find them. The place where you can find everything people have lost over the years, a bright colorful dimension full of the lost but never found. But actually, she is probably with some family, and learning how to be happy as their dog.

Hey, What's for Dinner? (and a quick recap.)

Hello kiddies. It's been a while I know. I apologize. Let me just say that nothing entirely interesting has happened, except of course that I lost another dog. This time though, I actually lost her, well actually, she ran away, but still she is gone. So I have decided to take a break from being a dog owner. It is obviously not my time. This saddens me a little, but that makes 5 dogs gone in one year. I'd say i've filled my dog quota for a while.

Lent was mostly successful. I felt all sacrificial and successful (mostly). I think that overall it was a good experience, although i'm not sure it brought me closer to, or showed my devotion to God since I am not a very religious person and I think that is the point of Lent. . .

Also, we're edging closer and closer to the end of the semester and I have been very busy. Mostly with school work, I am pleased however to report, that my last group project was completed a few weeks ago. It should be fairly smooth sailing for the remainder of the semester, that is if you consider story workshop (my second story), papers and exams smooth sailing.

Also, tonight I would like to introduce a new segment, a segment I like to call What's for Dinner. In this new segment I plan on sharing some of my more successful recipes, hopefully you'll try them.

Tonights recipe is Pea Salad. For a few weeks now, since apparently pea salad is abundant in magazines in the springtime, my Grandma has been casually mentioning how much she likes pea salad, and how long it has been since she has had any, I took this as her way of hinting that I should get my butt to the kitchen and figure out hoe to make her some, or find it in a store. Let me start by saying that I had never really had pea salad. I'd seen it at potlucks, and in buffet lines, but had never had any, let alone made any. My first idea was to look up a recipe, but that was unsuccessful in that many traditional pea salads have cubes of cheese (YUCK). So I made my own version, which my grandma raved over and ate two bowls of. Here is the recipe:

Karin's Pea Salad:
1/2 bag frozen peas (you could also use fresh if you'd like)
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/2 tbsp yellow mustard (this is all I had, but I would love to try a dijon, or some other brown mustard I'm thinking one of these from Sierra Nevada Brewery)
2 tbsp olive oil (use a good one.)
1 shallot diced
1 cup cubed ham (I used leftover spiral cut from Easter)
1/2 tbsp honey
pinch of salt

Defrost, but do not cook your peas. They should be cold (I wanted to defrost them quickly so I put them in a colander and ran warm water over them. Then before draining and moving to a bowl, I ran cold water on them.) Dice your shallots (A shallot is like an onion, only it is more delicate in flavor, sweeter and has a richer flavor. I love to use them, and prefer to put them in cold things which will not be cooked in lieu of onion, as I think onion can be over powering. Do not confuse a shallot with a scallion, or a green onion.) and ham and put in the bowl with the peas.

In a small bowl, blend your dressing which will be the flavor base of your salad. Mix mayonnaise, mustard, olive oil, honey and salt until blended and dressing-like. I used a whisk to whip it a little bit and followed with a rubber spatula to scrape the sides of the bowl.

Stir Peas, Ham and Shallots just to blend. Add in dressing slowly, and stir. Chill for a bit before serving. This will allow your flavors to blend.

My grandma suggested that next time I would consider adding a chopped hard-boiled egg, some chopped bacon. I've also heard of other things you could mix in, but I thought that my version was pretty damn delicious. Try it if you will, and let me know what you think.

Bon Appétit!

. . . On Relationships. . .

          Normally, I would write a post that details my thoughts of the day, or the goings-on of the past week or so. Today I am feeling more contemplative. Yesterday I was very contemplative, and I feel the need to post these thoughts I have been having. In the spirit of personal growth and the spirit of self-exploration, I am going to delve a little bit deeper than I would normally feel comfortable. Today, lets talk relationships. Perhaps the subtitle for this entry can be . . . and how not to rush into things.  

or . . . The Power of Perspective.

        I have never been one of those girls who was super eager to rush out and find a boyfriend. I have always been content with being single. It just seemed easier. Also, I had a dog and really, what more does a girl need. It is not that I would not have liked the companionship, but I was content with the idea that what was meant to be would be, a que sera, sera sentiment I suppose. I just believed that what I was meant to have would come all on its own. I have learned that things don't just happen upon you (it's perhaps utopian of me to believe that they do, and I like to think that I have since grown up. Things don't always just fall in your lap.) This, I would imagine is why I don't have a bank account that is bursting at the seams, or a career in Hollywood. They won't just fall into your hands as I had hoped when I was younger.

       It wasn't until last summer, in fact that I felt the need for a relationship, my dog had died suddenly and I was lonely and felt a void in my life. I chose to fill that void, I think though, that I went about it all-wrong as I had no idea what I wanted or needed. I wrote a bit about me and posted it to the Internet and waited for the emails to come (I won't even tell you where I posted this, because even admitting it to myself sounds utterly ridiculous.) Many that I received were terrifying. Some were endearing, but most fizzled when we ran out of topics to discuss in email. There were only two emailers that I felt were worthy of continuing to talk to, and only one I felt what I thought was a true connection. 

       At first, we talked about our interests; we talked about our philosophies and what we wanted out of life and relationships. It was all compatible. It was all so refreshing to think there was someone who had the same desires and ideas I had, or who was willing to encourage those parts of me which have been seldom encouraged.

       One day, fairly early on, we talked about concerts we'd been to. Our lists were comparable which is important, because I think concerts are enriching. There is nothing like a live show, and in fact, he had been to shows that I had been dying to see. Another day we sent text-messaged quotes from "The Princess Bride" (it was one of his very favorite movies, and also mine.) We talked about our favorite bands, favorite songs, and favorite books. He was well read, opinionated and a music buff. We sent lyrics from Beatles songs in text messages and I felt, for perhaps the first time that excited feeling I had only read about in novels. That fluttery excitement that is much different than a crush, it's deeper, truer, more real. 

       I thought that I had found the beginnings of something wonderful, and was willing to do whatever I needed to to make certain that it turned out the best it could. I found myself at a precipice. I should have taken more time to think things over, to make well planned out decisions and less impulsive acts of passion and frankly, stupidity. I acted too impulsive and that, I think looking back was the biggest mistake that I made. I allowed myself liberties for which I was not genuinely ready, I allowed myself to ignore my own, normally very astute better judgment and went on that romantic journey that I have seen young girls take with careless abandon. I honestly cannot have expected much better, because though I have the age of wisdom, I hadn't had the experience and was therefore acting as a teenager would at first love. That was my fault.

       The truth, which I chose to ignore, was that he was a thirty-nine year old divorcee (twice divorced it turned out, I should have run right then, but I didn't.) with a pre-k daughter whom he had lost custody of (He called the little girls mother a Bi-Polar bitch, a name which he would later turn on me.) He was at the moment unemployed, and spent much of the day when not spinning wonderful tales to me wooing women online, and playing video games, or planning his fantasy baseball team. He had chosen to go back to school, but had sold his computer to make rent and was therefore unable to apply. He also seemed to have a serious issue with paying his phone bill, and much to my dismay, he was constantly unable to return my calls and messages, and at other moments, he was unwilling. Especially when I really needed him to be there for me, he simply wasn't.

       I chose to ignore the signs. They pointed to a need for me to run swiftly in the other direction, and to never get involved with something so already damaged, and not to mention so much my senior. I was after all, twenty-four at the time. I should have listened to the warning that caring friends and family offered, but I chose not to, and that I think in retrospect was and/or is the worst decision I made. I look back and I think about everything that I did which was wrong and I cringe. I hurt people, I lied and I made a fool out of myself. For all of that I apologize. Was any of it truly worth it? I think not. I hurt people who were close to me and I acted momentarily wholly out of character. I also feel like I lost a part of myself. I lost a piece of who I am. 

      In return, I got dumped as I celebrated my 25th birthday. I got called names and insulted. I became the same Bi-Polar Bitch I had come to know as his ex-wife. I really should have known better, but I finally see that this is a part of growing up. I had to make my own mistakes. I had to learn for myself, and I did, and looking back, I wish I had been content with learning from those who had experienced before me. 

      My biggest fault though, was not that I made all of these mistakes, even though they do take their toll, My biggest mistake was the one that I chose. That is where I made the biggest blunder. I got caught up in the idea of him, which I had created in my head. I got caught up in the impression I had made of him. He wasn't actually any of those things. He wasn't the music fan, the well read, intellectual who was motivated and intriguing. He was an old man (in comparison). He was stuck in his ways; he was an unemployed, lazy slob who was unwilling to change his perspective. He had a skewed point of view, which labeled him as the jaded loser I should have seen in him. He took advantage of my innocence and inexperience. He spent his days playing video games, restructuring his fantasy baseball team, and sleeping. He would also complain about how much his back hurt. He would complain about his heartburn (in one particular instance, when I made him dinner and brought it to him, He didn't eat it. He had a bologna sandwich instead, because enchiladas would give him heartburn. Why then, I wondered in silent complacency did you not tell me this before I made these for you?)

      

        That is another thing. He had no money. Which would not be a problem if the cause were something other than sheer laziness. He was unwilling to work. He was counting on the thousands of dollars he would receive in financial aid in the future, or the child support payment when he finally got custody of his daughter again. Oh, and not to mention the restringing order wife number two had. He said it was because she was a, perhaps you can guess, Bi-Polar Bitch. (I started noticing a pattern, but still didn't run. My judgment is obviously off.)

        I suppose that in all of this, the best path to take is the one of live and learn. I thank my lucky stars every night that I hadn't stayed disillusioned. Oh and the kicker, the final straw that broke the camels back, here's a little preamble. I started backing off. I was noticing that he wasn't as perfect and intelligent as he had originally said and I started backing off, I wasn't so quick to call him back. Wasn't so quick to answer texts. I stopped telling him things and stopped waiting to hear from him. It wasn't the most important part of my day. The finally thing though, was when he sent me a text and asked me to look something up for him on the internet, because he had sold his HDTV and Playstation 3 to make rent, and needed to know something. I informed him (I thought I did so politely, but apparently he though otherwise.) that there were computers on campus he could use (he'd managed to sign up for classes and get registered) and the public library. I was hanging out with my friends and wasn't available to be his do-this girl. He answered by saying that he understood, he wouldn't be contacting me again.

     At first, I was shocked. That had not been the point of the message, however it was a relief to me that it had come so cleanly. (well afterwards, in the heat of the moment I was pissed.) I do regret not ever telling him what I really thought of him. I do regret not ever telling him why I was really done. In the end, I regret. I wish I had listened.

        I have recently decided that I should just get a dog instead. It is much simpler.

Hello Friday!!!

It's Friday. 

Possibly my very favorite day of the week.
It is also spring. My very favorite season.
If you add those two things together, today will turn out to be a very wonderful day.

           While I don't have much to say, and I really don't have much time in which to say it, (someone has to get her butt to class A.S.A.P) I felt the need to come on over here and say a quick hello.

           Yesterday was a wonderful day. It was Cesar Chavez day and we at Chico state got the day off. While many of my peers celebrated the day by drinking, I laid out on the lawn and did some writing. I now have the beginnings of TWO new short stories and I am honestly not sure which one I will turn in this afternoon. The weather this week has been perfect. It's the type of weather that makes me want to spend all of my time outside. I wish I could take my computer outside, it would be perfect.

            Anyway... Today is Friday and I am excited to start this weekend. The weather promises to be wonderful and I have a full two days to do whatever I want. Writing on the lawn? Reading on the lawn? Painting on the lawn? I am noticing a theme here... for now though, I am going to class. I don't know if I have ever mentioned, Spring is my very favorite of all the seasons. The days a beautiful, the flowers are blooming and the temperature is neither too hot or too cold, in the spring I am a very happy person. My winter blues have faded and I am ready to embrace the new season.

Oh yeah, and Happy April Fools Day. I wish I had been clever enough to come up with some witty april fools post, but I am just too excited by the weather and the day.

Can I just say . . . WOW!

I applied for graduation yesterday.

I feel excited and uncertain because, didn't I just do this like a year ago? I'm pretty sure that was me just attending graduation from Community College (see may (maybe june?) blog entry about putz teacher, it is called Grades Are In), but I feel like this one is SO much more important.

It cost me forty-eight dollars. Forty for the application fee and eight for the diploma. Yep, that's what I said, I bought my diploma yesterday for eight dollars. (I kind of can't help but chuckle.) 

Before you get too excited, you should know that I still have a year of classes before I actually graduate. You have to apply for graduation a year in advance. And yesterday was the lucky day for me. So yesterday since it was apparently be-productive day, I also set up my schedules for the next two semesters. I have a total of eleven classes left which means 18 units next semester and fourteen for my last semester. I am a little bit nervous that I will be graduating so soon. I just got to Chico State. 

This also scares me, because it means that it is also time to think about and get ready to apply for grad school and the credential program. It also means it is time to start thinking about finding a job. It is time to start thinking about teaching. This kind of scares me because of all of the horror stories I have heard about the teaching job market. But really, if I start worrying about this now, I'll go crazy.

******
After I posted this, on a whim I went to google to find some images to post with this entry. (Photos make everything better.) I found this one, and got excited.

Click Here to Visit the homepage for this awesome cake!

I am so making this cake when I graduate!!! (or a version of this cake)

Promises and Confessions.

Do you remember that promise I made last time that sounded as if I meant to come in here often and write to you? well obviously I suck at keeping promises. Actually that is not really the case, when I make a promise I do not usually ignore it, or fail to keep up my end of the deal, it goes back to having promises made to me when I was a child and constant disappointment when they were broken. I don't make promises I do not intend to keep. So I fell terrible that I didn't make it in here to write to you. I could give you a laundry list of brilliant excuses (the dog ate my computer cable, my finger was broken... but all would be lies since my fingers are fine and I don't have a dog anymore.)

So here is the truth: last week was spring break, and I did absolutely nothing that I was supposed to do. (not entirely true, but let me elaborate.) I had chosen to be active and productive during spring break, and I was, but not in the way that would benefit my blog. I don't think my fingers hit this keyboard a single time all week. (I would love to report that I took spring break as a much needed relaxation week, but again not true.)

Here's a list of what I didn't do:
1. I did not write in my blog, even though I promised I would.
2. I did not bang out my semester project for health class, even though this would have been the perfect opportunity to do so.
3. I did not write my second short story for english, I didn't even work on revising the first.
4. I did not read Frankenstein as diligently as I should have, or was assigned to.
5. I did not touch a single article of homework until sunday night.

Here is a list of what I did do:
1. I cleaned my house (like really cleaned, we were having company.)
2. I had a glee marathon with a good friend to catch up
3. I helped my friends mom with a breakfast she was in charge of, for the California Alliance for Arts Education. This included set up, being there for the breakfast and clean up. It spanned two days.
4. I made the pattern for and cut out the pieces to a fishing vest I have been commissioned to create.
5. I cleaned my house again after some comments from my cousin made me feel like an inadequate housekeeper.
6. I had a fight with my sister. (not a very big one, but it made me cry, it made her cry and it took a few hours of two stubborn girls and their moods to resolve.)
7. I did copious amounts of Laundry. (I should not neglect my laundry.)
8. I looked at my garden, thought seriously of going out to weed, and made a loaf of french bread instead. (from scratch. If you've ever made bread you know this is a time consuming task.)
9. I came up with an awesome idea for a new musical-movie and made a playlist of all the songs I would like to include.
10. I watched the entire first season and most of the second season of Party Down. (this show is in a word, AMAZING. I don't know how I missed this before.)
11. I made enchiladas (some with chicken and no cheese just for me.), a kick-ass pot roast, corned beef and cabbage, and a delicious pot of chili. (among other littler meals that were by no means as epic.)
12. I had lunch with a friend, went shopping, thought about the health project but didn't actually get any work done.
13. I got a brief two-day stomach flu, but I didn't let it stop me. I ignored it to the best of my ability.

I think I was fairly productive, though my productivity included things I had been putting off and I finally got time to do. School and blogging got set aside and my life is getting in order. It's a happy feeling.

Also, I have a confession to make. On saturday I broke my promise for lent. I indulged in some Creamy delicious soup at olive garden and creamy pasta. It was entirely my fault. When I suggested Olive Garden as a great lunch spot, I hadn't even thought about the fact that my favorites would challenge my lent promise. So I indulged even though up until saturday I had been successful. I have not had any dairy since I made my lent pact. Until saturday. I did however get right back on the no dairy bandwagon, and have not indulged since. I will try my very hardest to keep this one. NO MORE DAIRY. (at least until lent is over.) next time for lunch, we're going to Hula's.

No, Please don't worry about me, And other stories.

White Daffodils through a window.

I am in a much better mood than the last time I had a chance to write here.

Unfortunately, I had to say good bye to Hannah, but I have come to the realization that the whole ordeal was a necessary evil, and I am trying to move on from there. Also, lots of tequila helped. Tequila always helps.

This is the week before spring break, which means midterms, term papers and frenzy. I have two huge midterms (took one yesterday, I did well on most of it, but other wise we'll see, and today is the health final, so not looking forward to that.) I turned in my term paper early today and feel pretty good about it. If there is one thing I can do well it is a five paragraph essay. I rock at essays (not to toot my own horn)

So I was listening to the radio (actually my sister was, but it filled the entire house with sounds this morning(well, EVERY morning.)) and the Dj mentioned that today was Ash Wednesday, which signifies the beginning of Lent.  Lent if you don't know is meant to make better people out of us, it is meant as a sacrificial experience to bring up closer to... whatever I am not a very religious person, but I found myself intrigued by the idea of lent. So this morning as I rode the bus to class I decided that I too will partake in the forty days sacrifice of Lent. I believe that during Lent you are meant to only give up one thing for the period, I however chose to give up a series of things they include:

1. Dairy Products (that means NO butter, cheese, yogurt, Ice Cream and the one I am honesty saddest about, Chocolate. I will really, really miss chocolate, but my butt will thank my for this one.)

2. Frivolous Spending (If you know me, you know that I hemorrhage money on little unimportant things that I could totally do without. My bank account will thank me for this one.)

3. Laziness. (While I am really busy all the time, I do tend to spend a lot of my time on being lazy. This is a terrible habit that I have picked up only very recently, in the end my house and my mood will thank me.)

I figure three is good. A trifecta of sacrifice. My plan is to post nearly every day, or at the very least every other day with updates on how well I am doing at sacrifice.  This will hopefully be a cleansing and very good for me time.

Also, (bear with me, this will be a very long post, but that is my fault for not being more regular.) I had tons of free time on my hands on Monday and I chose to take that free time to find Beauty in things around campus. (Yes Patty, I borrowed from your idea, but I liked it and love having an excuse to take pictures of nature.) And also, since Spring is on it's way and I love pictures of early spring, I have chosen to add some pretty pictures. I love when the trees and shrubs flower, I love summer when the Magnolia trees bloom. I love that the air smells like flowers in the early spring. I really love spring overall, and always find myself in a better mood, out of the funk of winter and ready for some serious rejuvenation.

The Tulip Tree.

The Tulip Tree has begun to drop its petals

I love the contrast between pavement and nature.
It's like the idea of Post and Pre industrialism.

The river on campus, it's been raining and snowing
a lot and the river is flowing very swiftly.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
- Robert Frost: The Road Not Taken (1915)

The Camellia bushes have begun to drop their petals.

I don't know what this yellow bush is, but I love the
bright ferocity of it's color and the contrast it provides

My plan is to continue a series of photos that illustrate the beauty of spring and just why this is my very favorite season. These are only a few photos, I promise to post more.

Loss, Despair and copious amounts of alcohol

Two things you should know about me:

My pets are like my children

In the past year I have lost three(... possibly four) of them for various reasons

         My dog is on the brink of disaster. It has finally come down to losing the last family dog, and I honestly don't think I can make it through another death and burial. I don't think I have the strength to lose another or the will power to make it through and to keep doing what needs to be done. I really feel like I might fall apart (I probably look like an idiot sitting here on campus crying as I type into my laptop, but I honestly can't are what people think at this moment.) I really feel like I have reached the limits of my strength, the limit of my grin and bear it quota. I'm trying not to tunnel into a pit of despair, but really, I don't know that there is any alternative. Imagine if you will how you would feel if you lost four children in less than a year.

       Let me elaborate a little, last March my very favorite, most special dog ever had a stroke and died after three days of complete paralysis. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do without him. He had been my very best friend, had been there through thick and thin from the time I was twelve until twenty-four. He was the one thing I thought I could absolutely not live without and when he died, I felt grief like I never knew could exist. I was utterly heartbroken (I think I still am). Two weeks later, our other dog, Joe was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. He deteriorated quickly and died exactly three weeks after Buck. Again I was sad, but it was nothing compared to the first one. Then in June, I was out of town housesitting, and I got a call that my sisters pit bull Dozer got hit by a car. It was her fault for not putting him on his lead when she left as he was an escape artist, but it was not any less shocking. That was three dogs in less than six months. We went quickly from having four dogs to having one. I was distraught at best.

         Normally, bad things happen in threes (at least that has always been my experience) so I thought that my loss of pets had been tapped. I had lost three for me that was enough. This weekend however things changed. Hannah has always been a challenge. I honestly never thought she'd be the one to live longer than the others. Hannah is epileptic, she went from having one seizure a year to several a year to a couple a month. I had gotten used to her seizures. She had also had surgery twice, and had to be watched constantly for relapses. Thursday she began to have a prolapsing rectum again. She had had this problem before and it would normally go away since she has been previously treated for it. This time though it did not. Actually, at first it did. I thought she would be okay.

          She is not. Today she has an appointment at the vet, and I fear it is the end for my sweet, sweet Hannah. I fear that there is nothing they can do for her prolapse. I fear that I will be down to no dogs in less than a year and I can't help but feel sorrowful and full of heartache. I missed the others. I missed Buck, I still miss him, but now that I am losing Hannah too, I am a wreck and I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't think this is a problem I can fix with a puppy, I don't think this is a problem I can fix with copious amounts of alcohol and sleep (though both I'm sure will help.) I don't know what to do. All I really can do is wait the day out, and see what the vet says when she goes in at three. All I really want is for her to not be in pain anymore. All I really want is for her to not suffer anymore. I just want relief for her. But I will miss her.

English is Fun!

I am going to try something new. (Apparently I am all about new things this year.) I am a Teaching Major at chico state that I'm sure you know, But did you know that I am also a Creative Writing minor? I am going to post a short story I wrote for my Creative Fiction class. I'm not sure if it is worthy, but I wrote and would Love, Love, Love some opinions. Also, Happy Valentines Day!

Awake.

            I lay my head on the soft cool pillow. The wind blew heavy outside, strong and fierce, the rain beat down on the roof above me, but I felt safe and secure in my home, in my bed, completely enveloped in the soft down comforter that surrounded my body.  I tried to sleep, but the weather outside made it difficult. The storm had begun to pick-up. The water beat down hard and heavy, and sounded as if it would break through the ceramic tiles above. I buried my head deeper into the enveloping pillow, in an attempt to block out the noise outside. A bright flash cast shadows on the walls around me, and I knew this storm wouldn’t give up without a fight.

            It had been a long week and my body was tired, my mind was tired, my eyes were tired. Sleep however, eluded me. The rain fell hard and heavy, the wind blew in gales outside. Another brilliant white flash filled the room and cast shadows on the walls and the ceiling. I counted slowly in my head. The thunderhead roared with ferocious tenacity, it was closer than it had been, only ten Mississippi, but still far enough away to create a small amount of piece of mind. I closed my eyes. I imagined the black car driving on the road in this storm. I imagined his inability to pay attention. I imagined his optimism, his never-fail positive out look on life. He truly believed nothing bad would ever happen to him. I however knew that bad things happened all the time. I knew it would come. Sooner or later.

            I snuggled further into the blankets. I buried my head deeper into the now warm pillow. I listened to the rain beat heavy on the ceramic roof tiles. I listened to the trees brushing against the window, against the side of the house. I heard branches crash down onto pavement. Heard the splash as a branch hit the surface of the pool outside. The floor creaked. The dog whimpered. I sat up, flicked the bedside lamp on and looked around the room. It was in truth the very same room it had always been. I was freaking out for no reason. Calm down. Take a few deep breaths and calm yourself. Maybe he is right; maybe it will all be all right in the end. I looked around the room again. The anxious feeling had become a deeper feeling of sheer boredom. I sighed and picked up a book from the side table. Focus on reading. That will help take your mind off things. As I read I tried to put all thoughts of him out of my mind. I tried to focus on the story I was reading. In truth it was a good book. A love story. I had been craving a good romance and the librarian recommended the series. She was a tall aging woman who always dressed in well-tailored suits and wore her gray hair high on her head in one of those French twists that always look ridiculous on me. She didn’t look like a librarian, but she knew more about books than anyone I knew and always had the perfect recommendation for me. I always enjoyed her recommendations.

            The book had done its job well. I was enjoying the romance. I was enjoying the characters. It had gotten my mind off the storm. I read for a while. The lightning was continuing outside, but the lamp I had turned on made it less obvious. The dog whimpered. I looked at him. He was lying on the floor beside the bed; his eyes open staring at me.

            “What are you whining about?” I watched him. His tail started wagging. “Come on you big oaf.” I invited him onto the bed and he came quickly, and with an exaggerated sigh lay next to me, his head resting heavy on my legs.

            I continued reading the book. I glance over at the dog, who had lifted his head and was staring at the bedroom door. His ears were lifted. He was listening.

            “What is it? Do you hear something?” I laid my hand on his head. He began to wag his tail.

            I tried to follow the dog’s gaze. He was watching the door, but he could have heard something anywhere in the house. I heard the storm outside. I heard the water hit the tiles above me. I heard the wind blowing hard against the walls of the house. I paused. I heard a gentle roar. His engine? I waited for a moment. I didn’t hear a car door close. Didn’t hear anyone come in. I gave up. I was making something out of nothing. Again. He always hated when I did that. Told me to relax. To stop worrying about what wasn’t happening.

            In the kitchen I heard a loud crashing sound. It sounded as if the world were falling. The dog heard it too. He let go a sharp ‘woof’. I set the book beside me, slid out of bed and walked slowly to the bedroom door. I pulled the doorknob and moved quickly to the hallway light switch. I listened. The dogs feet stepped lightly against the hardwood floors. He was following me, his tail moving slowly side to side. I tiptoed to the top of the staircase, the dog following along beside me. It was dark downstairs; the nightlight at the bottom gave enough of a glow that I could see each stair as I crept down slowly. One stair at a time. Some creaked as I stepped, most did not.

            I flicked on the light in the kitchen glanced around and saw nothing. The dog ran over to his food dish and had a couple of bites, his tail still swishing back and forth. The kitchen was the same as it had been when I had gone to bed hours ago. The dishes were still in the drying rack, the pots and pans still hung above the stove. The drawers and cabinets all closed tightly. Nothing was out of place. I sighed. The dog had moved to his water dish. Get a hold of yourself, old girl. I listened. The rain was less noisy down here. The wind less fierce. It was in essence a much calmer house. The dog finished drinking and trotted over to his bed in the living room. I followed turning on lights as I went, first the front entryway, then the living room. The dog lay down in his bed and closed his eyes. I sat on the sofa, pulled the afghan off the back and picked up the remote. I didn’t expect to find anything on TV, but at least it would keep me busy.

            I sat on the sofa flipping through the channels. I was tired. I curled up on the sofa beneath my afghan and closed my eyes. The wind was blowing, the rain falling. Another flash of lightning fell from the sky. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four. The thunder rolled in like a thousand Indians drumming loud, fast and hard. It was getting closer. I felt the anxiety creep up my spine. Float in my mind and sit like a disease waiting to spread. I kept my eyes closed. I concentrated on the darkness. Sleep would make everything better. Sleep would make this night end. All I could see was his car driving on the road in this weather. He would not be paying any attention to the storm around him, just pushing on with the knowledge that nothing could ever hurt him. I knew better, people get hurt all the time.

            I listened to the storm. I listened to the rain, to the wind and the thunder. I kept my eyes closed. In the morning, everything would hopefully be back to normal. The TV was going in the background. I listened to the sounds the house made. Listened to the dog sleeping. He was dreaming, I could hear his whimpers and his feet moving against the wood floor. The house creaked and moaned. The dog jumped up to his feet quickly and barked. Loud and fierce. He glared toward the back door and barked. I jumped to my feet; the remote fell to the ground with a thunk. I moved slowly to the back door, gripping the wall all the way. I turned on the porch light; the wind had made a mess out of the backyard. The dog stood next to me barking out the door, but I saw nothing.

            “What is it? What did you hear?” I asked

            He sat down next to my foot and whined a little before slumping to the ground. I sighed. I saw nothing outside, and made the assumption that he had simply heard the wind. I knew I hadn’t heard anything. I walked slowly to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and poured myself a glass of juice. I sipped slowly while I moved slowly back to the sofa. The channel had changed from the detective show that had been on to a movie I knew, but couldn’t identify.

            I sipped my juice and watched the movie. I wrapped the afghan around my shoulders and sat just watching. Waiting. The dog came slowly around the corner and lay down on my foot. The storm outside had quieted down. The rain fell lightly. The wind had stopped blowing and the thunder had passed. I lay my head on the arm of the sofa. The front door swung open quickly and fiercely. I jumped off of the sofa. The dog jumped up and ran over to the door growling.

            “Hey, buddy it’s okay. Shhh!” Benjamin walked in the door and closed it behind him slowly. The dog wagged his tail and sat waiting. “Mom, what are you doing awake? I thought you would be sleeping.” He hung his coat in the closet.

            “I couldn’t sleep. I’m so glad you are home. This storm was madness.”

            “No kidding! It really was. Oh my god Mom, I had so much fun tonight. Thanks for letting me go. You really are the coolest Mom ever.”

            I smiled at him. He hugged me and ran upstairs in a few short strides. I took a deep breath and sighed. I was relieved that he had come home. Relieved that he was all right. I chuckled a little at my silly habit of worrying over him when he was out. I locked the front door, turned off the TV and the lights before going upstairs. I stopped at his bedroom door. He had turned on some music. I knocked, and he invited me in.

            “I just wanted to say goodnight. I’m glad you had a fun night.”

            “Thanks mom. Goodnight.” He smiled at me and went back to the video game he had started.

            I sat down on the edge of my bed. I had freaked myself out for no real good reason and was now really very tired. I lay my head on the soft pillow, which had again become cool. The storm had died down, the rain was falling softly above, the wind was gone. I closed my eyes and found it easy to fall asleep now that he was safe at home.