A Doppleganger

There is a person in my psychology class who reminds me of someone I'd rather not be reminded of on a daily basis. someone I worked on forgetting. I'm not sure how to make it better, but everything he says grates on my skin like a cheese grater against a block of gouda. and he has a lot, maybe too much to say. I just want to scream at him, stop talking. Go sit in the back corner, and stop reminding me of he who I don't want to be reminded of.

I am not a block of gouda, and he is not a cheese grater, but I can't help but feel this way. Really. He could be the brother of he who I don't want to be reminded of.

I'm really not sure how to make this class better, it becomes increasingly difficult to go to class; so I guess my next step is trying to live in the same world and HE and his doppleganger.

A new outlook on life... Optimism

While my mood on thursday and the end of the week as a whole can be described as bleek, at best, I find that my outlook for the weekend and hopefully all of next week is a little more optimistic. I would like to report that there was some event that made me happier, I would like to rejoice you with the exciting tale of the one little thing that made me happy. The one little thing that helped me overcome the impending doom and sadness that is my life at the moment, unfortunately there is no such thing. It's just me. I really don't want to walk through life disappointed, or unhappy, so I try to look at the brighter side of things. When there is no brighter side on the horizon, and things in the future just look worse and worse, I have a hard time being a glass half full kind of girl.

And so far this year, fate has thrown me one curve ball after another. One more thing to deal with. And I feel like standing outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, ENOUGH CURVE BALLS! I don't want to have anymore placed on my shoulders. I can't handle anymore. So I try to envision a future that is free of these stressors. Or mostly free at least. I imagine my own home perfectly decorated to my tastes and specifications, where when I put something down and come back to it a week later, it is still there (what a concept!), I imagine a world where i am surrounded by friends, and family and happiness, where I have finally found my niche. (for some reason finding my niche has been the most challenging part of life for me. I keep asking what I am meant for (because I truly believe everything has a purpose) and so far nothing). (most of the time, in this dream world buck is still there and that hurts a little).

I also envision no longer being a student, and this is more abstract for me, as I can't remember a time when I WASN'T a student. I try to imagine myself as teacher. I imagine my classroom full of young minds to inspire. This is really inspiring to me, it helps me keep going sometimes. As I am filling this post with the hopes and dreams that are in my head, that keep me going, I have to wonder if I am the only one who copes with shit, by imagining good? I try not to go back and remember good times, because it seems pointless to live in the past, but creating a hypothetical future, is that as pointless? Do I really care if it is pointless if it helps me get through?

I don't have answers, and the more I think about it, the more questions I have, so it's probably best to just leave it alone. In the mean time, when I feel down and out, or like there is just one more thing being piled on my heap of shit, I will try to be optimistic. I will think "Hey, it could be worse" and I think that is supposed to help. Because it could be worse. It could be way worse. And I suppose that if having something to look forward to is my little way to escape, that's not so bad. At least I'm not turning to something that could be bad for my health. or worse yet, illegal.

WOW (really there is nothing else I can think of to say...)

This officially sucks. I am officially hating this semester, and especially my classes. In honesty, one class in particular. and let me just say, that this blog is supposed to be helping my anxiety level. I am suppose to feel better by letting my aggressions out in text

honestly, I feel like crying. I really, really feel like crying. In fact I may run to the bathroom and do so on the sly.

NEWS FLASH: TODAY IS TEST DAY. APPARENTLY THIS ALSO MEANS BINDER CHECK DAY. not only am I fairly certain, thanks to a freshly posted online pre-test that I am going to fail, but I left my binder at home. I thought to myself as I left it out of my backpack, why carry around a bunch of dead weight when I won't need any of it for class. wow. I feel like screaming, and then crying, and finally jumping up and down in rage, before finally falling into bed and sleeping for a week. I feel unprepared. Under informed, and completely annoyed at the structure of this damn class.

SO in the interest of my sanity, my emotions, and my stress level, I would like to propose a no homework this weekend rule. I would like to lounge around on saturday and re-read about Jamie *SWOON* (to steal straight from patty's comment). I would like to bake some banana bread. to play Karaoke on the wii to lighten the mood. To watch a funny movie, and maybe a love story. I would like to read more about Jamie (this really could help my mood). I would also like to spend the weekend bonding with the girls.

However, as wonderful as that could be, I am well aware of how entirely unrealistic this is. Instead I have a shit-ton of homework. Including creating a lesson for first graders, reading a boring book for english, more science homework (which at this point I feel even less motivated to do) a few chapters of psychology reading, and more that I can't come up with off the top of my head. and all of this fun homework will be precluded by cleaning the bathroom. Doing a marathon of laundry, and scrubbing the kitchen floor.

So blog people, while this is supposed to help my mood, the path my recent entry has taken is not helping. It is the opposite actually. I suppose I'll go sit in the corner with my ipod and try to make calm out of the fit I feel like I am about to spiral into. And imagine the perfect weekend that could be.

a brief hello

I caught a moment in between classes today, and realized that I have been a terribly neglectful blogger. So, laptop in hand, I sat down to say a brief hello to the blog world (and to my most loyal reader, possibly my only reader, Patty. hello Patty). Now, I am have an inner dialogue with myself, trying to decide what exactly I have to say that won't take up massive amounts of both text and time. so far the predominant theme is how tired I am. That seems to be the one thing that is always predominant. at least recently. I would like to mention how excited I am. Today i decided to ditch my current area of concentration, and pick up a minor in creative writing. (before you get too excited, I meet with the counselor on thursday, hopefully to make this official.) This means that I am adding 26 units to my course load, and while a sane person may think I'm nuts I defend this choice this way:

I have been in college for a while, and what is a few more classes if they make me happy?

I have previously been an english major twice in my college career, and I traded it all in for a teaching program. I miss my english classes.

I would much prefer to minor in creative writing and spend my time doing something I love as opposed to something I hate.

And finally, I love creative writing.

I am so excited to make this change official. And while I am tired, and in serious need of a long nap, I think of the classes I will have in the future as a part of my new minor, and I get excited all over again. And shouldn't I get to be excited about something? I think so...