On Learning and Love

Love can be tricky. If you've been there, you know. Sometimes you fight because you think that something should work, you fight because you think it's the right thing to do. You fight. You battle. You make a fool out of yourself even though you went into the whole thing with pure intentions and a loving heart. You act completely out of character, You make yourself into a lovestruck idiot because you just don't want to give up. But in the end, you lose. You lose because you just kept poking. You kept pressing the issue. You lose because it hadn't been worth the fight, but you didn't realize. You didn't see. You let yourself be blinded by a charming smile, a warm feeling. You let yourself feel the pain, but you ultimately made it worse because if you'd just walked away at the first sign, you wouldn't have ha to endure such pain.

But that's what happens sometimes. We become blinded by smiles and emotions. We imagine a future that doesn't exist. A future that was never meant to be. We make mistakes. We say hurtful things. We react poorly to the heartache. And when it's all said and done, and we finally realize the mistakes we've made, we've dug a tidy hole for ourselves. So we try to dig out. Sometimes this makes the hole deeper. Because at this point, it's time to stop trying and take a step back. It's time to stop trying. It's amazing, the level of understanding we can reach when we finally take that step back, distance ourselves, and look at the whole picture. It's messy when emotions get involved. It's messy when you try too hard. It shouldn't be so hard. If it's right. And that's the lesson. It's not always right. Sometimes  it's wrong. So very wrong, but wrong can feel right when feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, and passion are in play. These things can make wrong so right. That's the hardest part. Learning right from wrong. Finding the truth of the matter. Clarity really is amazing. Clarity brings us back from our breaking point and helps us transition from what we thought we wanted. Clarity brings us on the road to recovery, to what's real and what's right. Clarity brings us out of the drama. Out of the blind passion. The blind rage. The fighting. Clarity hands us new chances, new opportunities.

We can't possibly know what the future holds. It's not for us to know. Either because the future hasn't been written, or because it's fluid. It changes. It's not set in stone. We can't hold fast to thoughts of what could be. We can't hold on to the dreams, the hopes. It's not healthy to surrender to an idea, to a feeling and ignore the warning signs. It's not fair. To anyone. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to them. At some point, you have to recognize. At some point, I have to recognize. With recognition, with clarity, with change, you embrace the new. You let yourself find out about new ideas, new people. New feelings. You move on. You grow. You learn.

Life experiences are each lessons. Both lessons taught, and lessons learned. Lessons we struggle with. Lessons we accept. Lessons hat change us. We are forever learning. Forever teaching. Forever growing. Forever students in the classroom of life.

Are you listening?

Here we are again. A late night post. Sometimes when I find myself stuck and confused, this really is the best outlet. So hello again Blogger-Buddies. I have some more shit to toss your way. This is never easy for me. The end. How can it be? Is the end ever really easy? And though I should be sleeping, I can't. I can't sleep. For numerous reasons, but really only one of which keeps me coming back for more. Why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to keep feeling this pain? Why do I continue to enjoy the happiness when I know it's not real. It's not true. It's all something I've created. In my head. Again. Apparently that's something I do....

 I met someone. He's really great, we have so much in common. Including things I've never felt I could share with anyone, because they just wouldn't understand. Right off the bat, I felt a metaphysical, deeper connection. It was lovely. Very, very lovely. I thought he felt it too. I guess I've always been blind when it comes to matters of the heart. I project my own desires, my own feelings onto the other because it's easier that way. In retrospect, I made mistakes. I got too clingy, I got too honest. I made mistakes. We all do. I know that mistakes are a part of life. A way of teaching ourselves what to do and what not to do. I'll be the very first to admit that I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. I have flaws. I have insecurities, I have deep secrets that I keep hidden away because they can't be understood by anyone else. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to proceed. Because the idea of ending something before it has had a chance, terrifies me. But here we are. A crossroads. Decision time.

There is a part of me that wants to walk away. A part of me that knows that it's time to throw in the towel. There is a part of me that wants to say that I can't cry anymore. Part of me that wants to say that it's not fair for me to be the only one fighting. I know this is probably the logical side. This is the part of me that knows right from wrong. But this is the weaker part of me, apparently. Because I haven't been able to say these things. Lord knows I've tried. I've typed long messages along these lines in text and Facebook messages. Because walking away is the easy thing to do. It's the easy way out. It means no more fighting for what I believe in. It means no more fighting for what could be. It means no more fighting for what I want.

The other part of me, the romantic, wants to fight. This part wants to prove that this thing, whatever it is can work, and that throwing in the towel is not an option. At least not yet. This part of me wants to find out what this thing really means, and what could happen. This part of me wants to fling myself whole-heartedly, head first into whatever this thing could be and find out if love really exists, because at this point, I'm not so sure that it does. This part of me reads poetry and watches movies. This part of me craves the romance, the emotional connection. This part of me is illogical and frankly, insane. It doesn't make any sense, but for the unrelenting romantic in me, it doesn't matter. Time will make sense of it if we give it a chance. This part of me is stubborn, and sure of what she wants and is willing to fight for it.

These two sides are at war. They are battling deep within for supremacy. They both want to be the victor, though I think the romantic is fighting harder. And then there's a third side. This side is the self-love side. She's at battle at well. Because through this whole thing, I've realized one thing, and I can thank my new friend for that. I've realized that I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I've realized that I've been pretending I was happy. I've stuck with the status quo, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I've been self-sacrificing and self-depricatting and seriously unhappy with my life for a long time. A. LONG. TIME. If anything, this period of uncertainty has taught me that I need to work on me. And in all of the warring, all of the battle, I know this is the most important lesson. I know that this is the part that deserves the most attention. I need to work on me before I can expect to be happy in any other situation. And even though I hate the idea of more alone time, maybe I need to channel that alone time to another pursuit. I need to re-introduce myself to the world. I need to stop hiding and find out who the real me is. I'm a fighter. I won't give up without a fight, and I know that I can make positive changes. I guess I realize that in order to truly love, I have to love me. I think I've forgotten how to love me.

So here I am at a precipice. It's scary as hell, because I don't know where to go. I spend too much time concerned about what everyone else thinks and not enough time on what I think. What I want. This is something I'm working on. Learning what I want. I'm also terrified, because the amount of change I see in the near future is daunting. Really. But I know it's time. It's an over-due revolution of self. A complete overhaul. And even though I know this is a great thing, and I'm so excited for the future, I am terrified also, because I will be doing it alone. There is no one who will stand by me in the way that I so desperately desire. There is no one who will undergo these changes with me. And I think that even though I know I have to make the changes, even though I know I have to work one me, doing it alone, without the support that I want is the hardest part.

This is where I should say that I'm not that girl. I never have been. I've never felt such strong need for coupling in my life. I was always the girl who was super comfortable in her solitude. I was always the strong girl who didn't need validation, or togetherness. If I've learned anything, it's that I crave that relationship more than anything. All of a sudden I want nothing more than to be together. I think this is what confuses me the most. For the first time in my life, I'm not content with being alone and it's made me question every fiber of my being. Because I always thought I was happy. Always thought I was okay. Always thought I was strong and secure in my self. But what I've realized is, I'm not. I crave that unconditional love. That feeling of butterflies. I crave that togetherness, I crave the support that having the other provides. I want someone who will kiss me when I'm sad and take away my pain when I need him to. Someone who can just tell I'm having a rough day and offers nothing more than an embrace and support. Someone who can understand me and provide me with that feeling that I'm not alone in the world. Someone who will be there for me when I need them. Listen without judgement and offer advice when I need it, wether I take it or not. Just the offering is enough. I don't need the world on a silver platter. I don't need fancy. I just want love. And even though It's early, and I don't really know what could have happened, I felt like maybe I had found the beginning stages of that. Maybe I got too comfortable too quickly. Maybe I got too emotional, maybe I got too possessive, maybe I even projected what I wanted without thinking, but I thought I felt something. I hate to think that my feelings are so jumbled as to not even be real. Because it sure felt real. It sure felt right.

So here I am. I have no resolution. I have no conclusion. I'm still stuck in the middle of all of these tough choices, still stuck in the middle of all of these tough paradigm shifts. I'm in the middle of an all out war with myself and with the other and I don't know the victor. If there can even be a victor. Does one win in a situation like this? Here are the facts. Sometimes putting it all out there is cathartic. Sometime putting the situation into black and white helps you understand it better yourself. And moreover, having gotten this out there, I'm hopeful that I will be able to find sleep. My world is in utter chaos all around me. I've made some new discoveries and I will fight to discover the outcome. Whatever happens, I know that in the end I will be stronger and wiser and eventually I will make peace with the whole situation. In the end I will discover the meaning of this change. In the end, it will all make sense. Right now, it makes very little sense and is contentious and painful, but I look forward to finding out the outcome of all of this personal turmoil.

I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Thank you friends. For listening. For reading. For commenting. For picking up the pieces and providing bandaids to stick them back together... Until they heal permanently.

A Soapbox For One.

I'm going to jump onto my soapbox for a moment, because I have some things that have absolutely been wearing on me as of late, and this might just be the therapeutic platform I need. However, in the interest of well-mannered frivolity, I wanted to give you three little known facts about me. You know, dessert first...

1. I sing 

I love singing and while I have no professional opinion, 

I have heard from many sources, (both reliable and unreliable)

 that I am actually good at it. I have my own opinions on this, 

but good or not, singing is therapeutic, it's cathartic. I love it.

2. I am an actor.

 I love the theater. I love film. I love the art that is acting. 

I can't remember a time when this wasn't a part of my life. 

This was a huge part of my life, something I loved doing.

It wasn't something I gave up lightly. 

I only did this because I was in school. 

I wanted to devote all of my time and energy to working towards my career.

Now that I've done that, I'm ready to get back on the horse, so to speak.

3. I am highly creative and artistic.

This one is probably not a revelation. 

If you know me, this tidbit is probably quite obvious.

I am always creating, I see beauty everywhere. 

To me there cannot be life without art, or creativity for that matter.

Okay, back to my soapbox for a ranty-ravy type of post. I hope you enjoyed your dessert.

Let me start by saying that I am a giver. This is my nature. If I have something you need, or can offer assistance to you in any way, I am so there. To me being able to offer support, or help gives me such a great feeling. I love sharing, or giving. Sometimes this is my downfall, a fatal flaw, but mostly this is a wonderful part of who I am. I have issues sometimes in saying no, I have issues in thinking about my own needs, this is simply because helping others makes me feel good about myself, helping others is in some little way, my way of giving back. Or something... Lately I'm feeling like a few certain people, (who, in the interest of preserving long-standing friendships, will remain nameless.) have been taking advantage of my kindness, and generosity and undervaluing my skill and abilities. I try not to take things personal. It never makes much sense to me to make something out of nothing. It never makes much sense to me to get angry over certain things. But lately, I feel like my generosity, my desire to help is being exploited. 

Let me back up a little... I'm not really sure how to tell this story without being blatantly obvious about the characters and setting, but I'm willing to try. I'm going to write this for the sake of my own sanity and because I absolutely have to get this off of my chest, and well, in the spirit of blogging for catharsis. I have a friend. we've been friends for years, though not particularly close friends, but still it's been a long time. I value our friendship... Or at least, I used to value our friendship. Lately I'm feeling like the friendship is very one sided. I know things about this friend. I know who she is and how she acts. I know this, so why do I let  her actions bother me? Why do I let myself get annoyed with how she treats her friendships? I know her. I shouldn't let these things get to me. But they do. They bother me. Mostly because I really feel like I am putting so much more into the relationship than she. I really feel undervalued, and under appreciated. 

I do things because I enjoy them, and there are certain things that I have committed to, both now and in the past that I no longer enjoy. I can't stress how undervalued I am feeling in this undertaking. I can't stress how wronged I feel in this endeavor I have taken on, with this friend, and others. I don't feel like those involved appreciate what I do. I don't feel like those involved have a strong opinion of me and what I am capable of. That said, remember that dessert I fed you earlier, there was a reason for that. The reason was to show you that there is so much more to me than meets the eye. I am capable of, and worth so much more than people generally see of me. This is mostly due to the fact that I conceal my true self from those I don't trust. I conceal who I am from those I don't yet know. This is my own defense mechanism. I put it in place long ago. I don't really have a reason. I know that I fear rejection, I fear the unknown. But those are my issues. Those are things I've worked hard to defeat, feelings I've worked hard to suppress. The bottom line is that these are my insecurities. These are my issues and I've been working hard to overcome them. I am so much more than what I show outwardly. All you have to do is give me the opportunity to show you what I can do. All I need is for someone to believe in me and I can do wonderful things. I believe in myself. I do, but when the world doesn't believe in you, when those you interact with won't give you the chance to show that you can do more it doesn't help. 

I am an insecure person. That is also my nature. I have a whole bundle of insecurities and issues that I have had to work on, and address. I don't often believe in my own skills. I am often too critical of myself, and I always doubt my abilities, but I do know that I can do so much more than many people know. I am hard on myself mostly because when I do something, I want it to be done right. I want everything I do to be the best it can be. I won't settle for good, or good enough. I know that I can always do better. I am an insecure person, but I have no doubt that those insecurities play a part in the treatment I receive from certain people. My insecurities are my own. They do not exist for friends to exploit. They do not exist for people to use them against me.

Vague enough for you yet? I promise. I'm almost done. Let's recap. I feel undervalued and underappreciated. I feel exploited. I have skills that people underestimate. I can do amazing things if you'll just give me the chance. Here's the point of this whole post... I have made a commitment, one I used to think was temporary. One I used to think was a stepping stone. But it has been a very long time and no changes have been made. Those in charge don't believe I am capable of anything more. Those in charge doubt my skill and abilities. Those in charge see me as nothing more than a book-keeper, if you will. Those in charge have continually underestimated me, they have continually left me feeling underused and under-appreciated. in the beginning I was content, because I just knew that over time thing would change. I could prove my usefulness, and they would offer me a more involved, more juicy role. This has not been the case and I have grown tired. I have grown more than annoyed. Here's my question: should I walk away, or should I stick it out for one more session? Should I tell those involved how I am feeling and risk losing these friendships? (If I'm feeling this way, is the friendship worth salvaging?) Should I explain how I feel undervalued and underused? Should I walk away and never look back? What's best? Thoughts?