Here we are again. A late night post. Sometimes when I find myself stuck and confused, this really is the best outlet. So hello again Blogger-Buddies. I have some more shit to toss your way. This is never easy for me. The end. How can it be? Is the end ever really easy? And though I should be sleeping, I can't. I can't sleep. For numerous reasons, but really only one of which keeps me coming back for more. Why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to keep feeling this pain? Why do I continue to enjoy the happiness when I know it's not real. It's not true. It's all something I've created. In my head. Again. Apparently that's something I do....
I met someone. He's really great, we have so much in common. Including things I've never felt I could share with anyone, because they just wouldn't understand. Right off the bat, I felt a metaphysical, deeper connection. It was lovely. Very, very lovely. I thought he felt it too. I guess I've always been blind when it comes to matters of the heart. I project my own desires, my own feelings onto the other because it's easier that way. In retrospect, I made mistakes. I got too clingy, I got too honest. I made mistakes. We all do. I know that mistakes are a part of life. A way of teaching ourselves what to do and what not to do. I'll be the very first to admit that I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. I have flaws. I have insecurities, I have deep secrets that I keep hidden away because they can't be understood by anyone else. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to proceed. Because the idea of ending something before it has had a chance, terrifies me. But here we are. A crossroads. Decision time.
There is a part of me that wants to walk away. A part of me that knows that it's time to throw in the towel. There is a part of me that wants to say that I can't cry anymore. Part of me that wants to say that it's not fair for me to be the only one fighting. I know this is probably the logical side. This is the part of me that knows right from wrong. But this is the weaker part of me, apparently. Because I haven't been able to say these things. Lord knows I've tried. I've typed long messages along these lines in text and Facebook messages. Because walking away is the easy thing to do. It's the easy way out. It means no more fighting for what I believe in. It means no more fighting for what could be. It means no more fighting for what I want.
The other part of me, the romantic, wants to fight. This part wants to prove that this thing, whatever it is can work, and that throwing in the towel is not an option. At least not yet. This part of me wants to find out what this thing really means, and what could happen. This part of me wants to fling myself whole-heartedly, head first into whatever this thing could be and find out if love really exists, because at this point, I'm not so sure that it does. This part of me reads poetry and watches movies. This part of me craves the romance, the emotional connection. This part of me is illogical and frankly, insane. It doesn't make any sense, but for the unrelenting romantic in me, it doesn't matter. Time will make sense of it if we give it a chance. This part of me is stubborn, and sure of what she wants and is willing to fight for it.
These two sides are at war. They are battling deep within for supremacy. They both want to be the victor, though I think the romantic is fighting harder. And then there's a third side. This side is the self-love side. She's at battle at well. Because through this whole thing, I've realized one thing, and I can thank my new friend for that. I've realized that I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I've realized that I've been pretending I was happy. I've stuck with the status quo, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I've been self-sacrificing and self-depricatting and seriously unhappy with my life for a long time. A. LONG. TIME. If anything, this period of uncertainty has taught me that I need to work on me. And in all of the warring, all of the battle, I know this is the most important lesson. I know that this is the part that deserves the most attention. I need to work on me before I can expect to be happy in any other situation. And even though I hate the idea of more alone time, maybe I need to channel that alone time to another pursuit. I need to re-introduce myself to the world. I need to stop hiding and find out who the real me is. I'm a fighter. I won't give up without a fight, and I know that I can make positive changes. I guess I realize that in order to truly love, I have to love me. I think I've forgotten how to love me.
So here I am at a precipice. It's scary as hell, because I don't know where to go. I spend too much time concerned about what everyone else thinks and not enough time on what I think. What I want. This is something I'm working on. Learning what I want. I'm also terrified, because the amount of change I see in the near future is daunting. Really. But I know it's time. It's an over-due revolution of self. A complete overhaul. And even though I know this is a great thing, and I'm so excited for the future, I am terrified also, because I will be doing it alone. There is no one who will stand by me in the way that I so desperately desire. There is no one who will undergo these changes with me. And I think that even though I know I have to make the changes, even though I know I have to work one me, doing it alone, without the support that I want is the hardest part.
This is where I should say that I'm not that girl. I never have been. I've never felt such strong need for coupling in my life. I was always the girl who was super comfortable in her solitude. I was always the strong girl who didn't need validation, or togetherness. If I've learned anything, it's that I crave that relationship more than anything. All of a sudden I want nothing more than to be together. I think this is what confuses me the most. For the first time in my life, I'm not content with being alone and it's made me question every fiber of my being. Because I always thought I was happy. Always thought I was okay. Always thought I was strong and secure in my self. But what I've realized is, I'm not. I crave that unconditional love. That feeling of butterflies. I crave that togetherness, I crave the support that having the other provides. I want someone who will kiss me when I'm sad and take away my pain when I need him to. Someone who can just tell I'm having a rough day and offers nothing more than an embrace and support. Someone who can understand me and provide me with that feeling that I'm not alone in the world. Someone who will be there for me when I need them. Listen without judgement and offer advice when I need it, wether I take it or not. Just the offering is enough. I don't need the world on a silver platter. I don't need fancy. I just want love. And even though It's early, and I don't really know what could have happened, I felt like maybe I had found the beginning stages of that. Maybe I got too comfortable too quickly. Maybe I got too emotional, maybe I got too possessive, maybe I even projected what I wanted without thinking, but I thought I felt something. I hate to think that my feelings are so jumbled as to not even be real. Because it sure felt real. It sure felt right.
So here I am. I have no resolution. I have no conclusion. I'm still stuck in the middle of all of these tough choices, still stuck in the middle of all of these tough paradigm shifts. I'm in the middle of an all out war with myself and with the other and I don't know the victor. If there can even be a victor. Does one win in a situation like this? Here are the facts. Sometimes putting it all out there is cathartic. Sometime putting the situation into black and white helps you understand it better yourself. And moreover, having gotten this out there, I'm hopeful that I will be able to find sleep. My world is in utter chaos all around me. I've made some new discoveries and I will fight to discover the outcome. Whatever happens, I know that in the end I will be stronger and wiser and eventually I will make peace with the whole situation. In the end I will discover the meaning of this change. In the end, it will all make sense. Right now, it makes very little sense and is contentious and painful, but I look forward to finding out the outcome of all of this personal turmoil.
I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Thank you friends. For listening. For reading. For commenting. For picking up the pieces and providing bandaids to stick them back together... Until they heal permanently.
