It's Thursday!

I began my day by drinking black tea and listening to Tupac. I have decided, this is my new favorite way to start my day! My morning class was canceled, so I had time this morning for a little bit of desperately needed leisure time. It was bliss.

well, It was bliss until my sisters woke up and decided today was a wonderful day to fight with each other (for them most any day is a good day to fight.) my bliss was quickly replaced with the need to play sister cop. This, for those who don't know, is where I try to make my sisters get along (waaaay easier said than done).

Tea and Tupac are a wonderful start to my morning. I fully plan on implementing it more often.

I'm really not an unhappy person

I realize that if you read my blog, you might get the impression that I am an unhappy person. This is not true. I am actually a pretty happy person. Or at least, I try to be.

It seems like the times I find to write on the blog, I only have complaints. That is my fault, I don't write enough when I am actually having a good day, or when I may have a clever and optimistic comment. Instead, I am always complaining. For this, I apologize. I really do hope to make a better showing at this blog thing.

I really want to be that blogger who has clever entries that entice the reader to want to read more. I really don't want to be the blogger that complains, and complains and scares readers off with how terrible life is. (it seems like this year has been one tragedy after another).

I want the entire blogosphere to understand that I am a happy, bubbly person. I don't want to be this unhappy, depressive, whiny person I have been in this blog. Guess I have to do something about that for myself... This blog is so unreflective of whom I am. I hope that you can tell, and I hope that you'll stick around and see how interesting and creative I can be with my blog posts. (*note to self- make the next blog a creative, interesting, engaging... don't whine!)

A Doppleganger

There is a person in my psychology class who reminds me of someone I'd rather not be reminded of on a daily basis. someone I worked on forgetting. I'm not sure how to make it better, but everything he says grates on my skin like a cheese grater against a block of gouda. and he has a lot, maybe too much to say. I just want to scream at him, stop talking. Go sit in the back corner, and stop reminding me of he who I don't want to be reminded of.

I am not a block of gouda, and he is not a cheese grater, but I can't help but feel this way. Really. He could be the brother of he who I don't want to be reminded of.

I'm really not sure how to make this class better, it becomes increasingly difficult to go to class; so I guess my next step is trying to live in the same world and HE and his doppleganger.

A new outlook on life... Optimism

While my mood on thursday and the end of the week as a whole can be described as bleek, at best, I find that my outlook for the weekend and hopefully all of next week is a little more optimistic. I would like to report that there was some event that made me happier, I would like to rejoice you with the exciting tale of the one little thing that made me happy. The one little thing that helped me overcome the impending doom and sadness that is my life at the moment, unfortunately there is no such thing. It's just me. I really don't want to walk through life disappointed, or unhappy, so I try to look at the brighter side of things. When there is no brighter side on the horizon, and things in the future just look worse and worse, I have a hard time being a glass half full kind of girl.

And so far this year, fate has thrown me one curve ball after another. One more thing to deal with. And I feel like standing outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, ENOUGH CURVE BALLS! I don't want to have anymore placed on my shoulders. I can't handle anymore. So I try to envision a future that is free of these stressors. Or mostly free at least. I imagine my own home perfectly decorated to my tastes and specifications, where when I put something down and come back to it a week later, it is still there (what a concept!), I imagine a world where i am surrounded by friends, and family and happiness, where I have finally found my niche. (for some reason finding my niche has been the most challenging part of life for me. I keep asking what I am meant for (because I truly believe everything has a purpose) and so far nothing). (most of the time, in this dream world buck is still there and that hurts a little).

I also envision no longer being a student, and this is more abstract for me, as I can't remember a time when I WASN'T a student. I try to imagine myself as teacher. I imagine my classroom full of young minds to inspire. This is really inspiring to me, it helps me keep going sometimes. As I am filling this post with the hopes and dreams that are in my head, that keep me going, I have to wonder if I am the only one who copes with shit, by imagining good? I try not to go back and remember good times, because it seems pointless to live in the past, but creating a hypothetical future, is that as pointless? Do I really care if it is pointless if it helps me get through?

I don't have answers, and the more I think about it, the more questions I have, so it's probably best to just leave it alone. In the mean time, when I feel down and out, or like there is just one more thing being piled on my heap of shit, I will try to be optimistic. I will think "Hey, it could be worse" and I think that is supposed to help. Because it could be worse. It could be way worse. And I suppose that if having something to look forward to is my little way to escape, that's not so bad. At least I'm not turning to something that could be bad for my health. or worse yet, illegal.