Loss, Despair and copious amounts of alcohol

Two things you should know about me:

My pets are like my children

In the past year I have lost three(... possibly four) of them for various reasons

         My dog is on the brink of disaster. It has finally come down to losing the last family dog, and I honestly don't think I can make it through another death and burial. I don't think I have the strength to lose another or the will power to make it through and to keep doing what needs to be done. I really feel like I might fall apart (I probably look like an idiot sitting here on campus crying as I type into my laptop, but I honestly can't are what people think at this moment.) I really feel like I have reached the limits of my strength, the limit of my grin and bear it quota. I'm trying not to tunnel into a pit of despair, but really, I don't know that there is any alternative. Imagine if you will how you would feel if you lost four children in less than a year.

       Let me elaborate a little, last March my very favorite, most special dog ever had a stroke and died after three days of complete paralysis. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do without him. He had been my very best friend, had been there through thick and thin from the time I was twelve until twenty-four. He was the one thing I thought I could absolutely not live without and when he died, I felt grief like I never knew could exist. I was utterly heartbroken (I think I still am). Two weeks later, our other dog, Joe was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. He deteriorated quickly and died exactly three weeks after Buck. Again I was sad, but it was nothing compared to the first one. Then in June, I was out of town housesitting, and I got a call that my sisters pit bull Dozer got hit by a car. It was her fault for not putting him on his lead when she left as he was an escape artist, but it was not any less shocking. That was three dogs in less than six months. We went quickly from having four dogs to having one. I was distraught at best.

         Normally, bad things happen in threes (at least that has always been my experience) so I thought that my loss of pets had been tapped. I had lost three for me that was enough. This weekend however things changed. Hannah has always been a challenge. I honestly never thought she'd be the one to live longer than the others. Hannah is epileptic, she went from having one seizure a year to several a year to a couple a month. I had gotten used to her seizures. She had also had surgery twice, and had to be watched constantly for relapses. Thursday she began to have a prolapsing rectum again. She had had this problem before and it would normally go away since she has been previously treated for it. This time though it did not. Actually, at first it did. I thought she would be okay.

          She is not. Today she has an appointment at the vet, and I fear it is the end for my sweet, sweet Hannah. I fear that there is nothing they can do for her prolapse. I fear that I will be down to no dogs in less than a year and I can't help but feel sorrowful and full of heartache. I missed the others. I missed Buck, I still miss him, but now that I am losing Hannah too, I am a wreck and I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't think this is a problem I can fix with a puppy, I don't think this is a problem I can fix with copious amounts of alcohol and sleep (though both I'm sure will help.) I don't know what to do. All I really can do is wait the day out, and see what the vet says when she goes in at three. All I really want is for her to not be in pain anymore. All I really want is for her to not suffer anymore. I just want relief for her. But I will miss her.